Don’t Get It Twisted

Today’s lesson that the universe is teaching me in a kind and gentle way is a reminder that the majority of people are not my friend. I need to be reminded of this from time to time. I have a kind nature. I want to believe that people are like me and have kind loyal natures. Some do. Many don’t. 

The lessons today were minor. A person I was fond of and was beginning to count as a potential friend vented off their stress by talking shit about me. I stopped the person letting me know about the situation before I got details. I know better. Realizing that their telling me came from a sense of their own loyalty, I can appreciate that without hearing the details of the gossip. I deal with enough of my feelings flaring up without getting them triggered. 

Now, wait a minute. David, you are writing about this. Clearly you registered the gossip about you on an emotional level and it has stuck with you enough to inspire this post. Let’s go with a solid not exactly.

I can revise my opinion of someone’s intent toward me without being upset with them. People don’t say wrong minded and hurtful things about a person because of the person they are talking about. They do it to make themselves feel bigger, better, or more important. How do I know? I am super guilty of it. Each time I have given in to the weakness of shooting off at the mouth about someone else it has been because of my own emotions. The typical emotional driver was insecurity or anger. Behind every display of anger is a heavy dose of fear. I mostly just hear gossip as someone saying,” This person intimidated me and I am feeling insecure so I am going to talk about them to make myself feel less weak and afraid.” 

I do fully believe that people are solely motivated by their own internal cues. Someone calling me a name or trashing my reputation may be responding to something they perceive that I have said or done that was wrong. Their own character has determined that they are going to handle it by running that mouth to someone else rather than to discuss it with me reasonably. The cursing, yelling, name calling, and insults are immaterial. They only hold as much power over me as I allow. 

Am I not just judging the person inferior to me for their insult or gossip and taking things personally by acting smug and superior? No. While some people do see that as how the high road works and I have done that in the past it isn’t the right way. When the gossip makes its way to your ears you simply accept that it happens. If the source of the gossip surprises you then you might want to take an internal inventory about the nature of your relationship with the person. The relationship will need modification. Don’t trust them with confidences. Apply appropriate boundaries and distance as needed. I advise saying nothing about this. Draw your circle silently and be sure that they are not aware they are now outside of it. When done correctly the “betrayer” won’t realize much has changed. I will still smile and be kind because I realize that this wasn’t really about me.

My experience tells me that people resent kindness. They see at as weakness. They see it as something to be exploited and taken advantage of whenever possible. Sometimes they want to avoid the debt of a little bit of kindness which is super sad. The interesting thing is that I am likely to be just as kind and generous to a person that I do not like or even loathe as I am to someone I like or even love. I don’t do this to put someone in my debt. I don’t show kindness to win some sort of karmic lottery. I damn sure don’t show kindness to gain popularity. I am a nice, kind, and charitable person because it makes me feel good to behave that way. 

I spent too many years of my life closely examining every negative thing about myself and finding ways to judge myself by impossibly harsh standards. I doubt there is anything that someone could say about me be it true or false that could compare to some of the things I have thought, felt, and said about myself. Honestly, my feelings aren’t hard to hurt at all. That is why I stopped the person telling me about the gossip sharing all the nasty details. I don’t need someone else’s judgment to come around and reinforce some of those old insecurities and negative thoughts. I will not forgive or forget. I will accept that it isn’t personal. I will make sure I haven’t over invested in my relationship with them and I have my boundaries right. Then I will move on with my life unburdened by triviality. My great uncle’s lesson about not dealing in the trivial is something I hold sacred. 

I may have to fake some of this until I make it. I like the version of me that is secure in myself and above the silliness. I like not getting caught up. I like feeling mature. I like being nice. I like seeing myself as kind and generous. It is hard to do all of that if I am all that worried about what people think of me. Why should I bother with that. I live in my head not theirs. 

The same people who see my optimism and kindness as a sure sign I am foolish and weak are the ones that are certain that I believe I buy into them smiling and saying nice things to my face while they run me down with their friends out of ear shot. I am happy to let most everyone feel like they have me figured out and that they have one over on me. I cultivate an image of being foolish, unable to stop talking like a flibbertigibbet, a slave to my impulses of the moment, and just generally a sort of good natured rube. Gosh, look at me, I am just a simple little hillbilly from Knoxville Tennessee and lack sophistication or culture. I want to appear gullible to flattery. I want to seem easy to influence. If I were younger I would play to the idea I can be easily disarmed by a nice ass or a pair of tits. In middle age that one only hits when someone wears their sexuality as an offensive weapon, but when that happens I want them to feel like they have me totally enthralled. 

 

People very quickly forget that I am a magician. Even card tricks aren’t very good without a little showmanship. My hope is that I have a completely boring and ordinary exterior. I want to be palatable, easily understood, and quickly disregarded or underestimated. No. Really. There is nothing at all up my sleeve. You chose that card totally at random. Oops I sure did make a mess of that shuffle. You probably saw how I am doing this. It isn’t very good, huh? Maybe you should help me out. This trick may not come out right this time. Maybe I forgot how to do it. Is this your card? Oh wow. I got lucky this time. Isn’t that neat. 

Being kind, generous, reasonable, and forgiving isn’t seen as provocative, sexy, or threatening. It is unremarkable even though it is rare. In action it feels good. In practice it is wonderful social camouflage to make people feel confident that they can get one over on you any time they want. I don’t see any advantage in showing any other face.

Oh sure. I could in theory get confrontational. I could act on being made fun of or talked about. I could draw a fleeting pleasure from the other person’s discomfort. I could declare openly that I know they aren’t my friend and expose that their false attempts to play nice were obviously insincere. Most of the time they either do some mental gymnastics to justify that I deserved their bad behavior in order to avoid taking any ownership or complicate things further by a fierce and false denial.

Neither of those outcomes gains anything. The only possible way things improve is if the person owns the situation and changes their behavior. That isn’t a win for me. It is a win for them and I am not so egotistical as to believe that it is my job to alter other people’s behavior or to sit in judgment of them. I say be who you want to be and if talking shit about me helps you to feel better or get through your day have at it. Honestly it might be a little sad that I am living rent free in anyone’s brain. Pay me not attention. I am not worried about you or much of anyone else. I have my own things going on.  Now, where did I put that book of card tricks… 

I guess the point of all this is that I am a little bit proud of myself in the way I deal with something that hurts me. Did I start thinking about the gossip tonight and get that grossed out feeling of dissonance that comes from not understanding why people I am kind to aren’t kind in return? Sure. Did I need a minute to process it again and that is what inspired me to write? Absolutely. That is okay. 

See the scary part of life is that I have very few things figured out. I don’t believe anyone has everything, or even most things, worked out. I believe we are all faking our way through this. Our parents and grandparents were no more enlightened to any great truths than we are. When one of my little discoveries or epiphanies comes along I want to share it. I want to talk about it. It gives me a lot of hope and naturally when people resonate and are kind enough to say something to me, for one shining moment, I feel a little less alone in the dark. That is always worth chasing even when the vulnerability of writing about it leaves my mind and heart racing. 

Oh! Trent Shelton is great. Smart guy. Great message. Great heart. 

I will close on this. I don’t wish anyone any harm. I want the world to be a lot better place than it is. I know that hurt people hurt people. It becomes really important that a few people learn to process the hurt and not pass it along to others. I don’t think there are enough smart conversations going on about how to heal and let the hurt go. My hope is that I am wrong and I am just not cool enough to be invited to those types of parties.