Ennui

I think it is time to admit to myself that I have been in a depression for a while now. I am going to put an interesting label on my depression and call it functional depression. That is to say I am going to work. I am keeping house. I am parenting. I am functional. I have even been analyzing myself and claiming that I am not and have not been depressed. 

The thing is I have been stuck in a rut. Myself care has been a little lax. I am not keep shaved. I am not dressing as nice as I should for work. I haven't been getting my hair cut. Those things aren't big red flags. I mean I am still bathing and keeping up the general hygiene. I am pretty shaggy at the best of times so externally people cannot look at me and know I am depressed. 

The biggest red flag that I have been noticing is having a hard time getting myself motivated to go do things. I have friends who are going through major losses and here I am struggling to get up and get myself into gear. When I started beating myself up about not being there for my friends with tons of negative self talk I realized I was having a problem. 

It is entirely possible to check all the boxes of accomplishing life without actually engaging meaningfully with much of anything. This is probably a combination of being burn out with my routine and sticking around my house for far too long. 

There is a lot more to life than biweekly blog posts, Diablo 4, and reading. I mean I do more than that. I am just struggling emotionally to find the motivation. Yep. That is all I am writing for tonight. 

I need to do something. Granted right now it is probably just sleep. Tomorrow things need to happen.