To Mine for Gold

2023 has been a year of struggles. It is no 2018 full of catastrophe and trauma *knocks on wood*, but I have not been on my game for the majority of the year. The blessing of this is that I have been able to address and overcome the struggles as they happened. There have been plans put into motion to get back to "normal," whatever that is. 

One of the things I realized that I haven't been doing as a result is digging in to my own growth and personal development. That "me" time has been shoved aside for damage control and addressing problems. Sometimes you thrive. Sometimes you survive. 

To combat this I decided to make personal growth more accessible. It is a lesson I took from Atomic Habits by James Clear. I haven't had the motivation to sit down and invest a chapter per day into a book on growth. To make that easier I bought The Maxwell Daily Reader by John C. Maxwell. I may not feel up to investing a chapter a day in myself, but I can read a single page. 

It works for me. I get a little daily motivation and inspiration. Sometimes that drives me to seek out more. Sometimes it just makes me pause and reflect. Today it got me thinking and then writing. Today is a good day. 

"Men are developed the same way gold is mined. Several tons of dirt must be moved to get an ounce of gold. But you don't go into the mine looking for dirt." - Dale Carnegie 

The point of this quote is about seeking out the good in others. A good leader unearths potential. The quote also points out in a neat way that you know you are going to have to do some digging to find the good in others. This is natural and is to be expected. You don't resent the digging. You just look forward to the gold nuggets. 

I like it. It is simple. It is positive. It is based in the reality that finding the good in other people requires hard work and should be planned as a goal. 

I see some issues. The biggest problem with seeing the good in other people is our own filters. Our brains are experience engines. They tell us based on things we have gone through what an expected outcome should be in similar circumstances. That is why when a significant other says " We need to talk,' our guts start to squirm and we wonder if it is time to hit the gym to get the dating body back. It is why when your boss says," Can you come into my office for a minute, " we mentally start wanting to update our resume. 

The brain focuses on avoiding negative experiences. I believe that is where all the panic and anxiety we experience comes from. I know I spend a lot of time telling my brain to be quiet. I spend a lot of energy reassuring myself that this time will be different, these people are different, and I have a better set of skills to navigate my current situation than I did before. 

When you have a long history of negative experiences with others, regardless of if those experiences were the result of your own negative behaviors, thoughts, or attitudes, it becomes incredibly difficult to see positive in others and trust that situations are going to work out. Worse still, if you give in to the negative emotions then you develop an attitude that becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. You are giving off negative vibes. People pick up on them and act negatively in return. It is a vicious cycle and few people are comfortable analyzing themselves enough to Taylor Swift it (It's me. Hi. I'm the problem. It's me.)

For me mining for gold in others is easy. I like other people. Their value is apparent. In much the same way it is easier to help someone else with their problems than it is to deal with your own, I have very little struggle seeing the potential goodness in others. I can easily pay compliments, encourage, and support. 

Then I try to see the good in myself. The blessing of others is that I cannot see their inner truth. I don't have their inner narrative telling me all the insidious things that they are hearing. I don't know their real motivations. I observe them without their prejudice. I don't have the ability to see myself the same way. 

The voices in my head don't all discourage me, but some of them work hard at it. They remind me of the mistakes and missteps I have made. They have kept score of every wrong thought and error both the honest mistakes and the wrong thinking or bad intentioned moves. When things start going well in my life it is those voices that make me feel like a fraud, undeserving, and tell me that I will manage to mess up any good thing that comes my way. 

I am certainly my own worst critic. Life has a way of reinforcing what those voices whisper too. That experience engine likes to remind me of all the bad outcomes. It gets discouraging. When that happens I remember the Tale of Two Wolves:

ONE EVENING, AN ELDERLY

CHEROKEE BRAVE TOLD HIS

GRANDSON ABOUT A BATTLE THAT

GOES ON INSIDE PEOPLE.

HE SAID "MY SON, THE BATTLE IS

BETWEEN TWO 'WOLVES' INSIDE US ALL.

ONE IS EVIL. IT IS ANGER,

ENVY, JEALOUSY, SORROW,

REGRET, GREED, ARROGANCE,

SELF-PITY, GUILT, RESENTMENT,

INFERIORITY, LIES, FALSE PRIDE,

SUPERIORITY, AND EGO.

THE OTHER IS GOOD.

IT IS JOY, PEACE LOVE, HOPE SERENITY,

HUMILITY, KINDNESS, BENEVOLENCE,

EMPATHY, GENEROSITY,

TRUTH, COMPASSION AND FAITH."

THE GRANDSON THOUGH ABOUT

IT FOR A MINUTE AND THEN ASKED

HIS GRANDFATHER:

"WHICH WOLF WINS?..."

THE OLD CHEROKEE SIMPLY REPLIED,

"THE ONE THAT YOU FEED"

I bought myself a Zox Bracelet with the message "THE ONE THAT YOU FEED" for that very reason. I think those discouraging voices belong to the Bad Wolf. I have fed my Bad Wolf for the majority of my life. It kept me angry and self destructive for years. A few years ago I made a decision to intentionally start starving the Bad Wolf. This is difficult because it isn't a picky eater and I can drop it scraps unless I am studious and intentional in my thinking.

The Good Wolf has been growing. I have been nourishing it, but it thrives on a healthy diet. That is a much harder fare to come by. The things I take in have to be good for me. I need to read, watch, eat, and participate in things that make the Good Wolf stronger. I have to carefully consider the company I keep. When I am exposed to sickness and infection I have to be careful to treat the wound and get healthy as quickly as possible. I even find myself having to cage the Bad Wolf to stop it gaining influence and control. 

Feeding the Good Wolf comes with investing in myself. The aforementioned daily read helps. Connecting positively with the family helps. Sunshine and fresh air helps. Writing helps me. Meditation and prayer helps me. Doing things that I can be proud of really helps (see my silly little dice videos on Tik Tok or this blog.) 

I have noticed that there are things that warn me when I am going the wrong way. The way I groom myself and dress is a big indicator. If I stop cutting my hair or shaving (unless I am growing it out on purpose) it is time to worry. Cutting my fingernails is another one. I am pretty meticulous with that stuff.  Dressing shabby for me is a big thing because I am pretty casual guy to begin with. 

A shower, a change of clothes, and a little grooming can put right quite a bit for me. So can stretching and getting some exercise. I have to be careful about being at the house too much as well. As an introvert I have a tendency to close myself off both metaphorically and literally from other people. This is not good for me. 

I think feeding the Good Wolf can also come down to the way we speak to ourselves. I am really new into studying neurolinguistic programming, but as I understand it little self deprecating statements that we make can have actual physical manifestations. I think many of us are guilty of doing something innocently wrong like dropping and breaking a glass or plate. In response do you say something like," Gosh, I am so stupid?" Well, if you do you may be reinforcing your own negative self image. The more you do this the bigger the impact. Turns out that sticks and stones will break your bones, but words can also cause you hurt. 

I suggest not tolerating people in your life who insult, belittle, and demean you. I also believe in having healthy boundaries with the people that we do keep around... including ourselves. If I am not going to let someone else tell me that I am stupid, fat, ugly, useless, or whatever then I should not allow myself to do it either. Is it realistic to expect another person to treat me better than I treat myself?

In fact, I want to take this to the extreme. I want to learn to be my own biggest supporter. The biggest advocate of David should be David. That means anyone else who supports, loves, and encourages me is helping me feed the same Good Wolf that I am focused on. To go back to the gold metaphor, we are all digging in the same direction and I am not letting others dig for gold while I am busy throwing dirt back in on top of them. I know from experience that many hands makes for light work. 

I am proud of this one. pseudo-psychological or not I think the right message is there. It includes at least one good quote. I am acting on information that I gained which is reinforcing the lesson I have learned. That increases the likelihood that it will stick. I got to drop in a Cherokee Fable. Yep. Good job me. With any luck the message will resonate with others too for bonus points.