Talking Myself Into Trying

 I love more than a few people than face mental health struggles. In doing the mental inventory of writing the last sentence I really should amend that to all the people I love have mental health struggles. Maybe I am the common denominator, or much more likely  mental health struggles should be an understood part of the human condition. I believe we all face depression, stress, anxiety, and a laundry list of other things throughout the course of our lives. 

I know that I have. If it isn't absolutely obvious from my blog, I struggle with depression, anxiety, and stress. I have never felt compelled to seek a diagnosis mostly because I don't want to self apply a label that will impact the way I look at myself.  At various times in my life I have been in therapy, taken anti-depressants, taken anti-anxiety medication, and read an absolute metric ton of self-help books. 

When I first went to college back in the day I considered psychology as a major. When I spoke to an advisor they informed me that I would need to take some therapy as a part of the major. I immediately changed my mind. I didn't know much about myself at 17, but I knew I wasn't ready to take a peek under that particular hood. That reaction probably should have told me that facing what was going on inside me was exactly what I needed to be doing. I ran the opposite direction because it was uncomfortable.

I have been blessed to find a better understanding of myself as I grow older. A few traumas and a whole host of unresolved stuff put me into a place in life where it was impossible to ignore or distract myself anymore. It was a situation where I had to get busy getting better before things got a whole lot worse. Basically, I ran from my problems until I just could not run anymore. 

Like every person who has recovered from something, I find myself wanting to share the things I have come to understand. No one is more evangelical than the newly saved, right? I keep myself sane through quite a bit of effort. Sometimes I learn a thing that is useful. When someone else can use it, I am only too happy to share. 

It was during one of those sharing moments that I ended up sketching out this really interesting analogy of why most people develop mental health issues related to self esteem. A whole bunch of things that I learned from different sources and situations all came together. I was able to explain why it is easier to avoid dealing with the real problem. I was able to explain where the problem comes from both genetically and environmentally. Keep in mind this isn't me giving therapy. I am in no way qualified. This is just a discussion about mental health inspired by a situation. 

The funny thing is, I do want to share the analogy. It feels like a unified theory. I probably haven't discovered anything new or even useful. Still, the way I explained it made sense to the people I was talking to. It felt good. It felt right. It felt like something I wanted to share. 

The first thought was to blog the idea. Now, big picture, not a ton of people read my blog so the danger of me exposing the world to bad information or wrong thoughts is somewhat minimized. I could take my time. I could write it up properly (which I don't do for most posts) and make sure it is well thought out. I could craft the visuals. Maybe two or three people read it and get something from it. 

Then I panicked a little. What if I am wrong? What if someone takes what I write as mental health advice rather than talking to a real actual mental health professional? What if my theory is too simple or so much pseudo-psychology that it creates more harm? I mean who am I to claim to understand anything about life or the human brain? My own mental healthy is more a metaphorical patchwork held together with chicken wire and chewed Hubba-Bubba Bubble Gum. What gives me the right to theory craft something that might accidentally impact someone else?

That is the horns of my current dilemma. I took the weak route today of writing this post about an idea I am passionate about rather than posting the idea itself. In talking to Taila I originally was all fired up and said I was going to just put it out there as a blog post and then keep developing the idea. I thought I might try to make some connections with someone who has real credentials (alphabet soup after their name and everything) and ask them to read my work and give an opinion. I might even ask them to co-author if there is something worth working with. 

The whole thing scares me. I feel quite a bit of imposter syndrome even producing free content. I try and keep this thing positive and right thinking because I do worry that my words could negatively impact another person. Yes, for the record, I actually do have a heart, soul, and conscience. I have trouble letting go of harm I have caused even unintentionally. That is one of those struggles that I am working to overcome. 

I admit that I am also afraid, like I am with my fiction work, that it will get hit with intense criticism. I did not grow up politically correct or woke, and the world we live in now is heavily populated with people who judge these points. I am not the most thoughtful or empathetic person, but I do care about other people and, again, doing harm even unintentionally isn't an outcome I am prepared to live with. 

Then I think about the other side. What if this actually does help a few people? What if I present something in a way that opens eyes, minds, and hearts? Is the chance of that help worth the potential for making a mistake and being laughed at, insulted, and criticized? I think it probably is. 

I also believe that acting in faith and courage is better than living in fear. My faith tells me that I have been given the ability to think and feel the way I do in order to share with others. Most of my posts come from some random inspiration or thought and I put this out there on the hope that it will eventually arrive to the person that needs to read it across time and space. Thank Stephen King for that thought and if you want that whole idea read On Writing.

I am likely going to spend some time putting this together properly. I am comfortable posting quite a few things train of thought, but this idea, to me at least, deserves more effort than that. I also feel like the is me putting aside the excuses I normally make to stop myself trying for something meaningful. I cannot think of how long it has been sine I wrote with the intention of being published or to put it out to make a difference.  

I suppose the best time to plant a tree is twenty-five years ago. The second best time is now. I stole that one from John C. Maxwell who stole it from a tree nursery. I can say that getting out of my own way has been hard. I am the world champion at putting off, finding excuses why things don't matter, and intentionally distracting myself with less difficult work. 

I put this out here as much to be a statement of intent as to fill space for a Wednesday night blog post deadline. I am committing myself to a path of effort. Maybe that work will just be a well assembled blog post. Maybe it will be something more. Any harm done will come from a place of good intention... then again most all harm does.