Seven More Days

 I have come to believe in quite a few superstitions over the course of my life. I believe the full moon brings about crazy or lunatic (lunar, lunatic, get it?) behavior. I don't believe in giving a blade as a gift unless you are willing to risk the severance of the relationship. I believe strange things happen on Friday the 13th which is when I will buy lottery tickets. I am starting to believe that there is something to this whole Mercury being in retrograde thing because the past two weeks have felt as if strange things are afoot at the Circle K. 

I rarely stay stressed, anxious, or in a bad mood. About a week before my birthday I started feel very off. My anxiety skyrocketed. I didn't really want to celebrate my birthday. In fact, I wanted to run and hide for that whole weekend. That wasn't an option, and I am glad of that because the day came off pretty well. 

Plenty of things have been off. I have friends that are sensitive to shifts in the collective unconscious like this and they are struggling. The anxiety, depression, stress, and mental health wear and tear seem to be universally impacted. It has been enough that I am looking for something to blame it on. That may or may not be all there is to it. I have my doubts though. 

Like every other human on this planet there are plenty of things in my life to cause stress. I am not special in that. I typically take even big obstacles that come up in stride. I am certainly not unsinkable like Molly Pitcher, but I pride myself on my ability to remain calm and not react. My experience in life is that a few breaths of reflection before reacting hastily save a whole lot of time and trouble. In fact, the times where I have been forced to react with haste it has always come back to bite me in the end. 

I have spent the five of the last six days carefully controlling myself. I have been extra careful with my words (since Monday anyway when I realized I wasn't communicating clearly) and given myself a beat to process things making sure that I am engaging logic after addressing emotion. I follow the philosophy of treating matters of great importance as if they are trivial by deciding them by instinct and pondering small trivial matters more thoroughly. 

Let me explain because talking about this is making me feel better even if I can tell I am not making a ton of sense. I start thinking about what I want to eat days before I prepare or pick it up. I prepare my menu and grocery list with great deliberation. With the cost of groceries this may seem smart. The menu of meals I am going to prep is worth the investment because it is trivial. If I choose to make orange chicken, teriyaki chicken, or garlic honey chicken with veggies and rice will make almost no difference in the grand scheme of the universe or even in my own life. The differences nutritionally are marginal with garlic honey likely being the healthiest recipe due to a lower content of sodium and sugar. 

I debate heavily on what I am going to make because the time and energy put into selecting the menu gets me excited. The trip to the store, because I no longer use grocery pick up since Walmart shorted me $70 worth of stuff and refused to refund it, to search for all the ingredients becomes an enjoyable exercise. I think through the meals I am going to make and how they are going to come together. This is why you will find me examining heads of broccoli or the marbling of a chuck roast as if I am studying for a test. Its part of a larger ritual I enjoy. 

Assembling meals at the house becomes a labor of love. I try to match the original intention and bring off the meal with skill. For example, it isn't enough to slow cook roast. I want a spicy Mississippi Pot Roast over a bed of perfectly seasoned mashed potatoes.  Neither are difficult. Both are tasty. Together they are a masterpiece. Although, a friend sent me a photo of some ramen they through together that has me reconsidering my artistry in the kitchen and desiring to make prettier meals. 

Meanwhile, the decision to buy a new truck happened in seconds. I was resolved that I needed a truck long ago. I decided that when I could line up the financing the way I wanted then I was going to make the investment. That choice surprised most everyone in my life. I wasn't on the horns of the dilemma before, and I haven't regretted the choice since. I tend to be intentional in most things that I do. 

It is so strange then that the emotional health of everyone from my youngest kid to my friends seems to be crumbling like brown sugar under a pour of soy sauce. I have seen that happen before in life. Normally I am blessed to stay out of it. I have many times felt like the calm center of a storm. This time I feel like hurricane class winds breaking against the shore. 

Now, if this is the fault of Mercury appearing to move backward through our skies, I can accept that. Stranger things have turned out to be true in my life. Some of those things I have developed defenses against. Those can come in the form of talismans or even mantra. The goal of each of those is to restore faith and mindfulness. These last couple of weeks I have felt weak in my hope and faith. 

Add to all of that a cold that has left me tired and achy and I just feel really insulted by the over-the-counter solutions available from modern science. I can take some ibuprofen or acetaminophen to lower a fever and combat body aches. There isn't anything there to calm nerves without a prescription. There is nothing to help you center. Then again I am shopping at a grocery store not a liquor store because I want treatment not additional problems.  

I know there is danger in coming to believe things better than most. Even if there is no validity to Mercury being in retrograde impacting people then the belief in such a thing will still cause a sort of negative placebo effect. The human brain is that powerful. 

I am actually slowing myself down. I am having good meals. I am getting sun and exercise. I am drinking some extra water. I am trying to keep myself entertained and a little distracted from my feelings. Introverts like me struggle with that at times. I am putting myself on a diet of good vibes to counteract whatever is up with the bad. If it is the fault of the war god's namesake then it will pass by next Sunday. If not, I will feel a bit better. I just need to avoid any retail therapy because my credit card debt is screaming at me not to. ;) 

Who else is feeling this? I would ask if I am just nuts, but I already know the answer to that question. Momma taught me not to ask questions I don't want answered too.