Letting Go of the Hurt

 I avoid thinking about Mother's Day. I have since the 2018 when Mom passed away. This year I decided that I had my head wrapped around it wrong. Yes, I am sad that my Mom isn't here to be celebrated. Still, she deserves to have her memory honored. I had a really amazing Mom, and the last thing she would want for me is to have me sitting around feeling sorry for myself. 

I opted for a few ways to honor my Mom. One of her favorite meals was chicken alfredo. I wasn't a huge fan of it. I don't like white sauces as much as I do red sauce. I am just a spaghetti sort of guy. It is probably funny then that I have mastered my own blend of Chicken Alfredo. Ironically, my least favorite part of the dish is the chicken. 

This is the simplest dish to make up. Brown the chicken. Add the Kielbasa. Apply a liberal amount of Cajun Seasoning. Add cream. Bring to a boil. Add parmesan cheese and noodles. Stir a bit. Serve. It is amazing. The funny part is that I use "Slap Ya Momma," Cajun seasoning. 

I make this meal regularly. I made it on Mother's day intentionally as a way to think of Mom. Rather than hide from the uncomfortable memories, I am opting to lean into the discomfort. There is no sense avoiding it and making it fester into further discomfort and mental illness. I would much rather think of the cornucopia of great things Mom left me, The least of these is cooking inspiration and enjoyment. 

Now, the other thing that we did on Mother's Day was sit down and play a couple of hands of Spades. My Mom loved cards. She loved Rook and Spades specifically. Lady luck was with me today. Honestly, I have missed playing cards quite a bit. It is another thing that I have been allowing myself to miss out on because it triggers memories that also make me sad. 

Mom was a force to be reckoned with at the card table. She could most always make her nil hands. It took me years of studying how she played to be able to challenge her. Even then I only set her a time or two. She certainly turned me into a card shark. Even after a few years of avoiding playing I fell right back into the rhythm of reading the players, counting the cards, and covering my partner's nil hand. Today we went out in the second game on a strong blind nil. It was a really good time. We were almost as on fire as we were playing Left 4 Dead before the server disconnected our game.

I think the mistake I have been making for a while now if being too loss focused. I am not nearly alone in having lost a parent. Mom being gone is always going to be a drag even if I live to 150 years old. I will wish that she were here sharing life with me. That is only natural. 

It is a much better tribute to my raising and to Mom to live life and enjoy as many of the things that she loved in her name. I already cook and feed the family with a great sense of pride. I am happy to throw cards on a regular game if I can get everyone together. I need to make more trips to Cades Cove. I need to watch a little more Andy Griffith. I draw the line at eating tomatoes. She loved them. I don't. I will make up for it with an extra helping of watermelon or an occasional run through the Krystal drive thru. Gimme that #1 with extra mustard. 

Maybe it is time to remove all those negative associations that I have. 2023 has been a rough in some ways, but it has also been a year of being set free of old ways of thinking. I have had a few experiences that have encouraged me to let go of the past. It has proven to me that living backward doesn't work. There is no reason to find myself stuck in sadness anymore. 

I think Mom could be really proud of that. I hope all the amazing Mom's out there have a wonderful day. I hope everyone missing that wonderful Mom that they lost can find some peace today. I don't have wisdom for those of you who didn't get a great Mom to begin. I'm sorry. I cannot imagine that pain.