When Did I Become That Guy?

 I have been ruminating for hours about an encounter I had today. I noticed a couple of guys walking around in front of my house. That isn't unusual in most places. It was here. I live in the country miles away from any business or public places to park. We notice people on foot. 

I found myself watching them. One guy was following around. The other was taking pictures of the road in front of mine and my neighbors house. This was curious, but I felt like it was pretty harmless until they starting milling in my front yard. 

I would like to say I put on my biggest smile and walked out friendly. I didn't. I stormed out of the house. I stomped across the yard. I brought myself up to my full height (this for some people can be intimidating because I am 6'4", fat, and broad shouldered) out of my typical slouch that I have practiced for years to make myself look smaller. I probably had way too much base in my voice and a scowl on my face when I demanded," What are you doing!?" 

Yep. From there it went about as you would expect. Here is the blessing of the situation: One of the gentlemen decided to de-escalate the situation as I was demanding to know who they were and what they thought they were doing. He said," Let's back up a minute..," and then we started having a real conversation. 

He had caught the fact that I was confronting them was because we had an attempted break-in a few weeks ago. When I first mentioned it he had made the mistake of being very dismissive. That got my ire up and I was looking for a confrontation and maybe even a fight. 

Here is the scary part, and I confess this with a sense of shame and a heavy dose of reality. The attempted break in shook me. I have been thinking a lot more about the safety of my home and family. I have a chip on my shoulder. I am watching the property obsessively. I am not too manly to admit that it scared me. 

This may seem a good excuse for my behavior. It absolutely is not. I went out there acting macho. I went out there acting as if they were doing something wrong. I went out there ready to fight (literally) with my shoulders squared and my jaw clenched. Worst still, I went out heavily armed. I had a knife (which I don't carry for defense at all. Mostly it opens Amazon packages) and a loaded 9mm. They were concealed. I didn't intend to use them or even threaten anyone with them. I still made the choice to bring them with me for some idiotic reason.

What could have happened though? 

I came out acting and talking tough. If they had gotten offended and taken a swing at me would I have fought back? Of course. I have many times in my life stupidly not backed down from a fight. When if, as I was being big and verbally demanding, one of them had pulled out their own weapon. Would I have unloaded in a panic? Worse yet, could I have calmly used that as an excuse to pull out my own weapon and would or kill them both? 

Once upon a time I could have said with confidence that I was never a guy to seek out a fight or even an argument. If I got in that fight would I have pulled and used my gun?  Yesterday I would have told you there was zero chance. I prefer not fighting at all. I believe in talking things out, being nice, and assuming good intentions until I have a solid reason not to. 

These guys were doing something totally legit. If I had walked up and introduced myself with a smile and welcoming matter none of that unnecessary drama would have ever come about. We live in a crazy world where you never know what another person is up to. That is why I own the gun in the first place, but when did I become so fearful or toxic in my masculinity that I jump to a place where I am barking at people before speaking. When did my insecurities start driving fear based behavior? 

I am thinking a few weeks back when some idiot busted in a window with us all home and tried to come inside. I lost a little sleep on it that night. I doubled checked the door locks a few more nights. I really thought I was past it. I have never been a fearful person. 

There have been plenty of actually dangerous situations that I have smiled, stuck my hand out, and navigated without a second's thought. I was raised with my Mom's favorite motto of," Don't take no shit off anyone," balanced out with my Dad's careful teachings that you avoid a fight because the only reason to actually fight is to kill the other guy. Believe it or not I was pretty well adjusted when it came to confrontations.

Remember that parenthetical above where I talked about slouching? I have always been aware that my size and voice can be intimidating. I work hard to be the opposite. I smile easily, I joke a lot, I try not to take up a lot of space or act in intimidating ways. Healthy, calm, and confident people don't go throwing their weight around or talk badly to people. 

Which is true of me as well. This situation made me identify a fear that had taken root in me. It isn't based in reality. I am going to make an effort to do some healthy things to work through it. The more emotional part of this story will find its way into my journal. Not that this isn't emotionally vulnerable and honest. I just talk to myself on the page slightly differently than I share with my blog. 

I am also not letting myself carry a gun until I am certain that I am in a good place. Metaphorically, I am like a kid who has seen a horror movie and is super vulnerable to jump scares. If a kid takes a swing at a friend jumping out of a closet at them it likely ends with a bruise or two. If I get paranoid or scared and pull a gun it could end a life or result in me losing my own. That is too big a responsibility not to take seriously. 

Believe it or not, I even feel better about things writing this. I am the total asshole of the story. That happens in life, but we can work hard to avoid it. I will spend a little time facing my fears honestly and working myself back into a place of only reasonable paranoia. 

Just so my readers know, the two gentlemen who I showed my ass to left with things resolved. Apologies and introductions were made all around. I looked like an asshole, felt like an asshole, and it was all from a place of foolishness. I started this post saying I was ruminating. That is true. I walked away thinking about how poorly I handled what could have been a very pleasant interaction. Now that I have owned up to my behavior and the feelings behind it I can let it go. Cue that Frozen song.

Look at me being all mature, healthy, and well adjusted... or a close enough facsimile to it. I know an angry, overbearing jerk is not who I want to be in any situation. This may sound crazy, but I would much rather be friendly and unafraid and find out someone is up to no good and have to handle that. I have spent my life on that side of the equation and it is a lot less scary to me to have to respond to someone else's violence than it is to be the person showing aggression for no reason. I can take a beat down a lot more easily than I can having my head screwed on wrong. 

The thing I am thankful for today, besides the other guy being reasonable and finding a cool head, is that a light was shown on the dark spot growing inside of me. That could have grown out of control really quickly. I know that I have hurt plenty of people in this life, but my sincere wish is to get to the other side without hurting anyone else that I don't absolutely have to. 

I am going to live the rest of this life choosing to be the person that I want to be. I am not going to let anything control my emotions and make me act in wrong ways. Most of all, I know I have control of my behavior including how I react to my thoughts and feelings. Accountability is a powerful thing. 

You can be certain I won't allow myself to be that guy again. 

- D 

5 April 2023 21:09