Consistency

 I am struggling to find something to write about for tonight's post. I spoiled myself. I wrote posts out so that I had four or five weeks worth of content all scheduled and ready. Life started catching up with me and I allowed my lead to dwindle down until I am back to writing posts the day before they are "due." The funny thing is that I have been so tempted to skip a post date. 

I justify this in all sorts of ways. My readers are few and rarely comment or post. If I let myself miss one post it isn't that big a deal. It is likely that no one would even notice. I don't have subscribers. 

Then reality hits. No offense to those of you who do read my posts, but I don't do this for you. I am not pandering to an audience. I am writing for me. It is a forum to practice my narrative voice. The blog is the place where I can work a bit on this hobby and it doesn't just mold away to nothing in the closed pages of a journal or sit silently on a cloud drive to eventually be erased. 

Blogging is an exercise in on demand creativity, or at least the way I do it is. I don't write up drafts. I don't edit and revise. This is almost completely off the cuff. I write about things that I am excited about. I write about things that are on my mind. I have put some effort into keeping emotional outbursts off the pain while still having something to say. 

A couple of years ago I did a study in behavior modification. I performed a few experiments on myself. The strongest of these was committing to getting a most up every Monday and Thursday. I really should have said no later than those days because in reality I post Sunday night and Wednesday night so that I don't risk missing a post. 

I sat down this morning to write something, anything for the blog. I found myself starting at the blank page and having nothing on my mind that I felt comfortable sharing online. That is always a sure sign that I am having a struggle with stress. Of course, I already knew that. 

The catch there is routine does make me feel better. It helps me to feel "normal" if I ever am such a thing. I enjoy my creative outlets. When my emotional tank is empty it is refreshing to tackle normal and familiar tasks. This is why I have played through the Super Mario games so many times. It is why I read and reread the same books and series such as The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy and all of  The Dresden Files novels. God help me, I have watched My Name is Earl, Superstore, and King of the Hill far too many times. 

Maybe I would have been better served to have just rested and attempted to recharge tonight rather than sitting here and cranking out this post. There was just this itch in my brain that said that a blog post needed to go up. That has to come from a few years of being really consistent with writing. I kept myself well ahead of my blog posts because except for a few busy weeks all the way back in December. 

I think that is going to help me work through some of the emotional stuff. I will get caught back up and ahead. It will reinforce a positive habit. That will make me feel better and then I will be able to normalize. 

I really need to apply some of this behavioral methodology to exercise again. It clearly works even when I would rather be in bed reading and carefully not thinking stress filled thoughts.