Stoicism

 I have been working on my emotional reactions for the past few years. Along the way I realized that if someone can trigger me or get me to react then they have power and control over me. Pausing a reaction is not natural to me. My thoughts and emotions move quickly inside me. For many years the natural thing to do was to allow my outer response time to match the speed of my thoughts. 

The first step in this control was to learn to play the pauses. There are times it is appropriate to respond quickly, but more often it is best to allow my natural reaction to occur internally and extend the thought process further. I learned to control my reactions by not only working out the appropriate response, but also to think through what the person speaking to me was trying to make happen. Making this educated guess allowed me to work deeper through my thoughts and then start working on what reaction I wanted to get with my response. 

Now, pausing is not a permanent fix for reaction. At most it is delaying a reaction and allowing me to control myself. I still have to process my natural reaction if I suppressed it. As a fictional example, let's imagine that I paid for a small snack with a twenty dollar bill and the cashier gives me back change for a ten. No big thing. Accidents happen. I explain the error and the cashier catches a major attitude with me and refuses to fix the problem. My reaction to this typically is going to politely ask if the drawer can be counted down to check for overage. I do this for two reasons. One, it is often quicker to assume I am correct and hand me a ten than to go through the trouble. Two, if I am being intentionally short changed by a skim artist the last thing they want to do is count down unexpectedly. There may be quite a bit more than my ten extra dollars in that drawer. I have had that experience more than a couple of times. 

My normal reaction here is not incorrect. I often only have twenties in my wallet. With there being no way for me to be wrong, I can proceed with confidence and have zero regrets at the outcome. Underneath the practical though, I am gritting my teeth. It is frustrating to have your day put on pause even by an easy mistake. The cashier's attitude is not about me, but I don't enjoy dealing with it. All too often it requires someone with higher authority to intervene. That isn't ever pleasant either. 

Some folks go into snark or shouting. I don't feel that extreme about small things like that. As I am driving away with my correct change I may be experiencing a case of smugness. If I had a terrible encounter then I might even be talking to myself a bit talking trash about the manager, cashier, or both. This is me venting off my suppressed emotional response. I would rather play my favorite song or grumble to myself than to make a spectacle publicly. 

I practice this quite a lot. I occasionally get hit with a provocative meme or TikTok video. I am sure that when I do not react to these it frustrates even more than whatever I did originally to make myself the recipient of said message. My goal is not to frustrate. What I want to have happen is to avoid stress, argument, and controversy. The more frequently dramatic things hit my inbox the less responsive I become. My silence allows the other party to fill in the blanks with the story they want to tell themselves. This is going to happen with or without my participation. 

I am comfortable being villainized. I am comfortable with the other person playing the victim. I value my peace and serenity. No matter how I value the person an argument or explanation will accomplish absolutely nothing. I am only going to respond as I want to. I am not going to react. If someone is ready to provoke me to make themselves feel better I want them to get their win and feel vindicated so the cycle is broken. 

If it makes anyone feel better, I still feel the desire to explain, defend myself, and argue. I am making a choice not to. That is tough some days. I spent enough years doing it the other way that I know being more stoic is best. 

The next step is to prevent ruminating on things that I want to react to. I have lots of tools for this. The healthiest way is to talk the issue out with a trusted confidant. That is not always possible which is why I keep a journal. Meditation, exercise, and distraction are wonderful coping mechanisms as well. I can 'om mani padme hum,' away a ton of frustration. I also wear a few little talismans that help me to focus my energy and emotions. 

I also celebrate to myself when I manage not to "go off," in reaction to a situation. Self control is a practice I pride myself on. When I have a victory it is good to reinforce that fact. I find it soothing even to let out a nice long exhale and say to myself," You handled that well." I much prefer this to a fruitless controversy that rarely solves anything. 

I also know that my silence can hang heavy. I understand that when I do not respond I come across as uncaring or indifferent. To this I have to reassure myself that it is important that I do not deal in the trivial. If my relationships in life are spoiled by my distaste for talking on the phone or texting then they weren't of much value to begin with. 

I also realize I do myself no favors by my professional persona. At work I am friendly, verbose, and welcoming. I have a polite interest in the people around me while maintaining some professional detachment. I think this often gives the impression that I am likable and chatty. I suppose I am between the hours of 9 and 5. 

At home I tend to be very introverted. I am often silent for hours or even days unless someone is talking to me. This isn't that I am unfriendly. I am just happy when I am left to my own devices. I think it makes being my friend very challenging. On the one hand, I want to play games like Dungeons and Dragons. On the other I love fall bonfires, but I prefer to sit around them in companionable silence rather than to chat aimlessly. What happened to the strong, silent type being a good thing, anyway?

I wrote about this because it was this or talk more about my Steam Deck and my new game Weird West. I likely made the wrong choice writing about feelings and lack of reactions. Then again, this might be preferable to me waxing poetic about guns. Is anyone even really reading this anymore?