My Amazon Problem

 I love shopping on Amazon and a few other online stores. I have a website for shopping for firearms. I have primary go to for roleplaying games, card games, and board games. I have my comic book website where I do most all my business. Online shopping is a huge source of pleasure.

It is also really bad for my bank account. I figured out I had a problem with it a few years back. I began eliminating my habit of collecting things as a hobby. That meant that I stepped away from Magic the Gathering entirely.

 I stopped "filling in gaps" in my comic book collection. I sold off quite a bit of the comics because it was unlikely that I would ever go back and read them again. I still read comics, but I limit my purchases mostly to storylines I really enjoy with the occasional purchase of a piece of art I really enjoy. Artgerm, Jen Bartel, Sean Murphy, and Mirka Andolfo can trigger me to buy a few extra pieces here and there. I keep that carefully under control. 

I quit collecting knives even though I have done that off and on since I was a kid. Oddly enough it was a lapse in judgement around knives that made me notice that I still have a massive Amazon problem even though I have curtailed some of the underlying behavior. 

That is the crux of all of this though. My hobbies and collections don't matter. I can go overboard with anything and I like to spend my money. Don't believe me from the listed examples? I am the ultimate Steam customer. As I have transitioned back deeper into PC gaming I find myself wish listing games on Steam. Now there is nothing wrong with keeping a Wishlist. Honestly, I have used Amazon and like sites to keep up with a few things I would like that I wouldn't buy for myself under normal circumstances. These make great birthday and Christmas lists. The problem with my Steam Wishlist is that things go on sale and it becomes easy for me to justify getting a game on the cheap. 

As I have been picking my way through my Final Fantasy series play through this year, I have been thinking of some other series I would like to revisit. Before I knew they were going to release an updated version of Dead Space, I had Dead Space, Dead Space II, and Dead Space III all on my Wishlist on Steam. I own copies in the Playstation Store on my PS3, but I enjoy fleshing out my Steam library. It feels more permanent for some reason. 

I got an email about items in my Wishlist being on sale. I picked up the original Dead Space Trilogy titles for $4.99 each. In the same sale I pulled down the original Bayonetta and a couple of Resident evil titles. All those games are sitting in my library now which feels nice. Then I think about how few games I actually play and the likelihood that I am going to play them anytime soon. That $25 I tossed at the games doesn't quite feel wasted, but it has certainly begun to feel like it was ill considered at least. I didn't play Bayonetta when I owned it on console (I think PS3) and I only finished the first Dead Space game. Now are you starting to see why I am identifying a frivolous spending problem?

My trouble hit me in the face again on my most recent Amazon splurge. I bought a couple of card games using the excuse that I could use them occasionally with work. No big deal. They were cheap. I also ordered myself a new wallet. I haven't carried a traditional wallet in a while. I had a system of carrying my cards and cash separate using a card holder and a pocket sized notebook. I have been getting out more and that system leaves my pockets more bulky than just carrying a wallet so I bought a wallet I liked. 

I also stumbled across a couple of knives I liked. Now, I know better than to even go to Smoky Mountain Knife works. I know better than to look at their catalog when it comes in the mail. I know not to browse knives on Amazon. I already have more pocket and fixed blade knives than any one person could use in a lifetime. I could break blades through regular use and still not see a dent in my collection for months or even years. In fact, I recently got all of my blades together and put them in a storage tote. That sat on my shelf for a few months as I got comfortable with not having them placed throughout the house. When I knew I was comfortable I moved the majority of my knife collection into storage keeping only a few blades with specific purposes than I actually use in the house. 

I knew I was screwing up when I found a pocket knife brand I liked. I fell in love with a two blade pocket knife with a bone handle and copper furniture. It has a quality steel blade with a nice treatment on it. I haven't carried that style of knife in.... ever. I own several. Many of those were left to me by my Grandfather. They simply aren't the style of knife I have traditionally enjoyed. 

Styles change as do people. If you had asked me if a pair of Buck 110 knives would be the pride and joy of my collection when I was twenty I would have laughed at you. I thought they were too simple. It looked too much like grandpa's knife. Why would I ever want to carry a sheath on my belt? 

Turns out, I like sheaths on my belt. I like having less in my pocket. I also like a simple locking folder. The Buck 110 has become my default carry. I have two of them that I use situationally. The 110L is a plastic handled version which reduces the weight of the knife. If I am hiking or going to be on my feet a lot I typically carry it. My 110 automatic rides around with me the rest of the time. 

I also carry a Swiss Army knife. There are three reasons for this. I keep the blade on my Swiss Army clean so if I want to cut a steak or peel an apple I have a food friendly blade with me. My other knives cut into too much tape and other nastiness for me to feel comfortable using it with my food. I enjoy the ease of having my own toothpick as well. I hate the feeling of having something stuck in my teeth. I also love beef jerky. Finally, I have many times in my life found myself needing to turn a screw without my tools at hand. Keeping the Swiss Army knife around means I can normally do basic screw turning all the time. You'd be surprised how often that has been handy. 

I could write about a few other knives that I own and occasionally carry, but there is no point in that. I have illustrated that I am more than set for pocket knives. Yet, here I am sold on buying a style of knife I have rejected for years. It is a cheap knife compared to my Buck 110. I added to my cart. 

Then things went very off the rails. Amazon made other suggestions in the same line. I fell in love with a long thin fixed blade with a stacked leather handle. It was also cheap and I like to have a toolbox knife that I don't get upset if I break or chip the blade. With a slender handle I could see a few different uses for scraping, cleaning, and prying that I could put it to. It also ended up in my cart. 

I avoided three other knives that caught my eye. I didn't even save them for later. I did add a couple of muzzleloader necessities to my cart. I like being able to get a nipple, nipple wrench, and bore cleaner online since I cannot find any of it locally anymore. Order placed I settled down in front of the door to wait. No, not really. I just like that part of the Scott Pilgrim movie. 

A few days later everything shows up. I was happy to have my seed trays. I started charging my borescope so I could inspect the barrel of my muzzleloader. I have been very worried about firing it after it has sat in the gun safe for such a long time. Even though I tried to prevent it there was some rush I had to work out of the thing and my nipple needs replaced. Inspecting the barrel feels... prudent. 

I spent some time working out my new wallet. I like what I bought. I don't like not having a small notebook in my set up anymore. That gave me an excuse to pull a different pocket notebook off my shelf and add it to my EDC bag. Pen and paper can be very important. We will see if I continue to use it. 

Finally, I opened my two new knives. The folder surprised me at how much I liked it. The knife is different. I know that copper will develop a patina from me handling and using it. I also doubt I am going to bump into anyone carrying something to match. It rolled around in my pocket happily enough and I used it for a few days actively before adding it to the hand carved wooden bowl where my pocket contents go between trips out. I will carry it and see how I like it. 

The fixed blade is a disappointment. It is smaller than I visualized. That is on me for not pulling out the measuring tape for a visual. It was cheap so I don't bother for a return. In fact, it ends up resting in the slot meant for a pen on my Post It holder. I will use it as a letter opener. 

Now I have a visual cue of how I waste money right on my desk. I start thinking about it. I stick a field notebook in my pocket. I promise myself that I will put a tick on a page every time I window shop on Amazon for a few days. I mostly remember to do it. I stop counting after 48 tick marks in a couple of days. I promise myself to start using my cart as a holding area and purchase nothing immediately. 

I am surprised at myself after a week of this practice. I haven't placed any online orders in a few days. My Amazon cart only has six items in it. I have a gun holster that I wouldn't use. I have a portable Switch dock that is inexpensive that I will likely pull the trigger on later. I have a recipe book that I don't want for myself, but I have a little internal pressure to hand write out my recipes for my kids. Dad's recipe books will have some value to them. I keep them all digitally right now, but taking the time to write it all out is an act of love. 

I have a 1000 lumen flashlight cube. It is handy in theory. I saw an advertisement on Facebook. I am so susceptible to marketing. I have readded a Zippo lighter. Once upon a time, me carrying a lighter got me out of a terrible situation. I have fallen out of the habit. A voice in my head wonders where my old Zippo got off to and is screaming at me to replace it. 

Lastly, there is a gook about growing trees in a Home-Based nursery from seeds. I will likely buy this on Friday because I am enjoying the work around growing trees. I have plans for some nice indoor plants including a couple of trees I will be able to move outside during temperate weather. I might grow apples or olives. I am curious about lemons. The book is written by someone calling themselves David the Good. I won't talk myself out of that buy long. 

This is my temporary stop gap protocol for controlling my online spending. I will build a cart of whatever silly things that catch my eye. I will hold my cart until the Friday of payday. That means I am only placing an Amazon order twice a month, if that. Hopefully, that will allow my excitement about things to wane and enhance my self control 

I also know that there is some emotional thing here that is being satisfied by buying stuff. Most of this stuff doesn't enhance the value of my life. There are exceptions. I am going to be looking into why I do the things I do around frivolous spending. It does seem to be a form of self sabotage. I could certainly be doing more in my life financially if I used my money in smarter ways. Even if I just saved up and bought the truck I have been thinking about for years, it would be a better use than a knife I am going to use as a letter opener. 

So, my Amazon problem clearly isn't a problem with Amazon. It is a compulsive thing. I just need to work out if I am soothing myself with it as a vent of stress or anxiety. I could also be getting a rush of endorphins. I might also be punishing myself by taking away part of my resources in a self destructive way. Brains are complicated and while I don't currently feel like I am in a bad headspace I also see that buying crap I don't need is the smoke for an emotional dumpster fire. 

Better take a look at that.