Fundamentals of Repair

 I had a friend shoot me a message today and ask me to lend a hand getting a car back on the road. The proposed mechanic work is minor though outside that friend's area of comfort. It also is a fantastic excuse for us to hang out a bit. Given that our last real life interaction was 11 months ago, I will take the excuse. 

In my experience there is no such thing as a simple repair. Take for example changing out the speakers in my 2012 Hyundai Veloster. In my brain busted speaker repair likely means you need a new speaker, a screw driver, some plastic prying tools to take off internal panels, some wire cutter/ wire snippers, and maybe a socket set. When I did the first speaker I figured out I was going to need a drill and drill bit, rivets, rivet gun, reciprocating saw, soldering gun and solder, and more patience than I went into the project expecting to need. Imagine how I felt when I did the front pair only to realize the rear speakers were blown as well. 

That repair was a good one. It only required a trip to the AutoZone and the Home Depot. We only went to each one once. If I remember correctly I spent last than $30 over the initial spend to get the speakers. I attribute that saving grace to having all of the tools we needed. Granted, it took time with each new discovery to locate the tools. I even admit that when I did the second speaker I had to figure out where I stashed some of the supplies from the day before. This is the nature of a simple repair. 

Now, something complicated? Say you are replacing the engine and transmission in a vehicle. That involves multiple trips to the parts store, junkyard, a pause to watch a video or two online to figure out how to get the starter back on, a desperate search for the repair manual, giving up on finding the repair manual, ordering a new repair manual online, and at least four or five trips to the junkyard to either look at how something is hooked up or for pieces lost along the way. 

You think you are done at that point. The vehicle is reassembled. It starts. It runs. Granted it doesn't run quite right. No worries. That is to be expected. You need to get everything in tune. The fluid levels may require adjustment. Then there are all the little wired connections and vacuum hoses. Let me clarify that one tiny little vacuum line can be a major difference between smooth idling and the thing cutting out and sputtering. It is bad if you don't realize which line isn't connected or connected correctly. It can be an absolute nightmare if it just has a hole. 

The law of large numbers tells me that the leak on a vacuum line should be visible on occasion, but it has yet to happen to me. That hole is always on the face of the hose that you cannot see. It is also typically on the vacuum hose that looks to be in terrific shape. After you give up finding something obvious because experience tells you that you aren't going to and start removing and inspecting hoses one by one will you find that pesky hose. Granted, it will be the next to last hose you check. The engine has 44 damn vacuum lines (not really) and you find the problem on the 43rd hose you check. Naturally it was also the one you overlooked right in easy reach at the top of the engine. You are praying that the 13 of them that you had to twist your arm like a contortionist while laying on your side under the car are reinstalled correctly. 

I maintain that there are a number of laws of frustration that have to happen with the simplest car repairs. Car manufacturers understand that through the experience of repairing cars, trucks, and vans for years. To get that out of the way they have added all sorts of engine covers and shields. On my old 1984 Ford F150 if I wanted to change the oil I just slid under the truck with a wrench and a drain pan. I got my frustration when I stripped the threads of the oil drain bolt and either had to buy a new bolt or worse replace the bottom of the oil pan. 

Now, if I go to work on Whitneigh's Hyundai or Ashley's Kia the frustration is built in. I spend 15 minutes taking out a dozen bolts on the bottom engine covers. Naturally they are split into four pieces and I cannot just remove one to access the drain pan and oil filter. They all have to come loose. Knowing this I come prepared with a impact wrench or powered driver. One or two of the bolts spin idly in place and require special attention to get them threaded out. By the time the actual engine is revealed I am cursing methodically and have at least one pinched finger or bloody knuckle even though I started the job in mechanics gloves. I had to take them off fiddling with the weird screw. 

The oil change is great. Wrench, wrench, wrench. Drain. Oil Filter Wrench. Drain. Wrench, wrench Wrench. Hang tighten the new filter. I forget the frustration. I may even be singing along with the music coming from my phone. 

Then I reverse engineer putting the panels back on the bottom of the engine. This is done by hand so I can make sure that all of the bolts seat correctly. I run back over them with a ratchet and get it all buttoned up tight. It sounds smooth and it is a bit easier than pulling them off not because I am more familiar with where everything goes. No, I have given blood to the blood God and paid my tithe of flesh which is required for a successful repair or maintenance. If I have not given enough I will find a struggle bolt or two along the way. My curses are like prayers of supplication to the evil beings that derive pleasure from these proceedings. 

The cursing is sadly not optional. It cannot be faked. Until you are really doubting your life choices and trying to figure out how you ended up in this position things will not go your way. I have never befriended a professional mechanic, but my working theory is that they sacrifice a journeyman by drowning them into the used oil barrel on a regular basis to pay these tolls more efficiently. Shade tree mechanics like me pay as we go. I shudder to think of the body count a good sized mechanic shop must rack up. 

Then there are truly cursed vehicles. I am not talking about all the Subaru WRX and Mazda Miatas that haunt the Tail of the Dragon and make life terrible for touring motorcyclists. I mean those cars that you never quite manage to stop working on. We had a terribly cursed Lincoln Continental when I was in High School. Later Mom got a hold of a cursed Oldsmobile Ninety-Eight. My personal experience with owning a cursed vehicle came in the form of a Chevy Beretta.

The pain of the Beretta started when we drove it home from the dealership. It stopped on our way home. Since we were friendly with the guy we bought it from phone calls were made. I wanted to get my trade in back and get away from the lemon. My first wife wanted this new car. Her will won out. I ended up disconnecting a solenoid on the transmission to get the car running. The polish was off the turd for me. Dad and I would spend most each weekend for the next two years tinkering with that car. It went through alternators, a starter, a computer, and a bunch of other stuff I have worked hard to forget about since the late 90s. I gave up in the Beretta and bought an old Ford F150. 

Here is the thing, for all my complaining, I do enjoy working on cars. I like making multiple trips for parts and the like. It is part of the process. I enjoy that moment when the bolt I am struggling with finally lines up. I love the moment when the repairs are done and it all runs and drives. 

Car repair, maintenance, or restoration is a very circumstantial thing. I do not like being out broken down somewhere. I hate having to try and rig a vehicle to get home on the side of the road or worse still the interstate. I loathe having to grind away at a repair all weekend just to have a car to drive to work on Monday. That is stressful as all hell. 

Yet, I love those oil changes. I enjoy working on something that I can go at my own pace and figure out as I go. I like bringing things back to life or improving them. I even like knowing I am going to curse like a sailor the whole way. "Come on, you bitch," is perfectly acceptable talk when you are trying to put in or take out a stubborn bolt.