The Value of Peace

 I was sitting at my desk sewing up a tear right next to the pocket of my favorite pair of shorts when I got inspired to write this post. The shorts are a burnt orange. My favorite thread is purple. I paid about twelve bucks for the shorts last year. I bought the thread a few years back. I think it was about a dollar. 

I have had three spools of thread in the last decade or so. Purple was purchased because I cannot find the Neon Green or Neon Orange that I bought way back when. I do not do a ton a sewing. In fact, if a piece of clothing is of any quality I will replace it before sewing something on it myself. I am a lousy seamstress. 

I have an odd value to when I break out the needle and thread. I will repair a jacket, bag, or a cheap pair of pants or shorts. I make the repair in a bright color. It is an ugly repair, but it will be strong, durable, and functional. I have a leather bag I have had for twenty plus years that has at least two visible repairs in those neon threads I mentioned. It is by far my favorite bag.

I was twenty minutes into sewing up my shorts when I started questioning the value of the repair. I buy cheap shorts on purpose.  They last a season or two. I buy another pair or two. If I hadn't stepped outside my normal color choices of gray, khaki, or blue I probably would have just tossed the orange shorts and spent on a new pair. I wasn't sewing them to save money. So what exactly was my value behind doing that work? 

I knew immediately that I was sewing them because it gave me an excuse to sew something poorly with obviously mismatched thread. It is a David quirk. It will make me happy every time I put the shorts on. I feel the same thing when I can carry my little leather bag. The rip in the cheap fabric is closed. The very fact that it is cheap fabric means the sewing likely did more harm that good. 

That got me thinking about how I define my own values. I spent some time with my needle poking in and out of fabric thinking on the idea. For all my writing I realized I have seldom quantified my values directly. I don't say how I feel often. My blog mostly is just full of observations and reactions. Putting down in stone the values you hold dear is difficult. 

I started wondering if I walked up to people in the streets and asked," Tell me about your three most important values," how many real answers I would get. I suspect I would get a lot of political beliefs and affiliations. I have a hard time believing that the modern American government matches my values in any real meaningful way. 

That line of thinking circled me back to talking to myself. I realized that there is a big difference between the things we say are our values and what we actually follow through and do. We might say that we want to have robust physical fitness and to be comfortable in our beach bodies. When you refill your pantry with Fudge Rounds and your freezer with a gallon of Vanilla Ice Cream week after week that isn't where your real values lie. There are understandable reasons for this. 

I decided to audit my values a bit. One thing that has been eating at me is that I know a value I have claimed to hold dear, friends are important to me, has not matched my behavior in quite some time. By that I meant that I have not been focusing on hanging out or even talking to my friends. Now, I could have stopped my self examination there and said," David, you are an introvert. You are comfortable with yourself right now." I could have said that, but it wouldn't have been the full truth. 

My current circumstances are intentional. I intentionally flipped the table on my life in 2014. Things needed to change, and the choices I made forced me down a growth path. Sometimes you have to go all in on yourself and deal with the fallout. What I couldn't see coming was Mom's death in 2018 and all of the resultant fallout. That was the universe showing me what a growth path could really look like. It kicked me in the deep end of the pool and said," Sink or swim, bitch." 

Well, never let it be said that I can only doggy paddle. I have swam hard for a long time. It changed my values quite a bit. I have really come to crave a calm, quiet, and peaceful life. I looked at what I was willing to pay to have the life I wanted. I had to be willing to not seek out the excitement of stimulation. I had to be willing to distance myself from people and situations which disturbed my serenity. 

I had to look at myself, a man who has always dreaded boredom, and decide that being boring is a virtue. I keep things simple these days. I am still cutting away things that do not enhance my goals. The danger there is that while I am keeping my distance from most everyone I could lose people that I would like to keep in my life. In fact, it is that very conflict that has had me contemplating what I value in the back of my mind for over a month now. 

My calm is better than it has been in years. Choosing my struggle, meaning putting aside dramatic people and situations in favor of solitude, has been a blessing. I don't feel in conflict with myself. I am less angry, frustrated, and confused than I have ever been in my life. I needed some silence so I could really hear myself think. 

Having found that my behavior dedicated a value that I had never articulated was pretty cool. I really am having a hard time not doubling down on it. I want to cut away social media the same way I disposed of the noise of having an amateur podcast. It was so tempting.

Then one of my oldest friends shot me a message. We don't talk regularly. I browse her social media in my passive way. I drop a comment or an emoji on occasion. She typically pings me and starts a conversation. I always love when that happens. We chat like seventeen years has not passed since we were close (the way real friends should) and without any loss of affection for one another. That makes it totally worth keeping social media around. 

Where I am at now is that I want to protect this peaceful lifestyle I have created and be able to introduce the people I trust into it. When they enhance the joy of my life its totally worth it to have people around. The catch is that I am in a place in life that what I value is worth protecting. Woe be unto the person who brings chaos or controversy into my life. They won't be in it long. 

Can I have my peace and play board games and role playing games with friends? I think so. It is worth a shot.