Something in the Way

 While riding back from Cove Lake, Whitneigh and I got into an interesting conversation about blaming others. I have spent a good portion of my life pointing to other people and placing blame. It is an easy habit to get into. It is also a really neat way to get trapped into a pattern of behavior you cannot escape. 

Like most psychological things that (I believe) I am coming to understand, most of this starts with our parents. For a few years now I have held the belief that there is no way to get parenting right from the perspective of the kids. Let me give the disclaimer that I feel like a complete loser as a parent. I am good for a hug, whatever cash I have on me, the honesty to admit I am faking my way through all of life, and a light-hearted look at most things. 

There are some terrible parents out there. Some of them neglect or abandon their kids. Some of them abuse their kids physically, mentally, emotionally, or sexually. For victims of those situations this post does not apply. The horrific psychological ramifications of abuse fall well outside what I am talking about. It is a really important distinction and I wanted to make it early so that I do not look like a complete lunatic. 

The things I am talking about are the normal, if there is such a thing, damage done by well-intending parents. Things like a parent never remembering your birthday even though you are an only child. Parents also have the hardest time letting go of the vision of you that they have in their head as you grow. This can cause emotional dissonance and statements like, "Then she stopped being my little girl," which are exceptionally hurtful. 

I could spend a few thousand words on little examples I have witnessed or experienced. For the purposes of this post I do not want to go that deep. The summation of all of this is simply that being a parent is a hard job to do at an adequate level. Because of that most humans I have known spend some time rebelling against their parents. 

I find this right, good, and perfectly healthy. I spent a healthy amount of time rebelling and enjoying the rebellion of others. Want to know one of the best things about growing up around the Bible belt? Lots of folks rebel against their politically conservative, Christian parents by looking into other religions. Bless them for it! I was more than happy to guide them toward dancing naked around a bonfire as a healthy alternative. It was liberating, fun, and mostly harmless so long as you kept a good distance from the fire and applied a little bug spray. Awkward mosquito bites are not fun. 

Yet there is healthy rebellion and unhealthy rebellion. We all do a bit of both. The mantra of your life should not be," I am not going to be like my Mother." That is just allowing yourself to become shackled by rebellion in the extreme.

Most of us rebel. Most of us grow out of the more self destructive rebellious impulses. Through the natural process of trial and error, we take the good practices we have been taught. We discard the things that don't work for us. Eventually we become our own person, and if we are very lucky we find our own values to try out against the world. 

The interesting part of this process, again as I understand it in my limited way, is that it all has a lot to do with the developmental of our prefrontal cortex. That is the decision making part of the brain. It also is likely an indicator that the forces of evolution (which I believe are part of the celestial mechanics of creation) have a wonderful sense of humor. The prefrontal cortex doesn't fully develop to somewhere in our mid to late twenties. Meanwhile, we get all sorts of awesome hormone driven urges during puberty. You cannot tell me that isn't a whacky thing. 

Due to the age that the prefrontal cortex develops I find it totally acceptable to blame Mommy and Daddy until you are twenty-six years old (again assuming there isn't trauma involved.) Drive too fast. Get into minor trouble. Sleep with the wrong people. Have crappy relationships. You are young and stupid. You are still trying to figure the world out. Likely you don't even know yourself yet. So shave half your head, get a bunch of tattoos (not a damn thing wrong with them at any age), pierce your naughty bits, and feel free to do it because Mom never would let you buy the brand name soda. Just try to avoid Serious Shit like kids, jail-time, marriage, or face tattoos. I won't judge you for that last one, but lots of people will. 

Hopefully you stop blaming Dad for never having the Disney channel even though he spent years paying for the dirty channels on the cable package. Sooner rather than later I hope that you have a moment of realization that you are not defined by the place or people that you came from. That moment of freedom will set you free to take responsibility for your own life. From there you can make it as wonderful or as mundane as you would like. 

Here is the catch to that. Again excluding traumatic events and abusive situations, people tend to go through life playing the victim from one situation to the next. You blame Mom and Dad. Then you get a boyfriend who cheats on you. That causes a whole bunch of inner turmoil and insecurities which go unaddressed as you blame the boyfriend. From that you lose friendships and blame the ex-friends. 

Blame and playing the victim gets in the way of your ability to grow as a person. Something is literally in the way as long as the bitterness exists. It takes a whole lot of discomfort and personal accountability to own your part in things. It may have been wrong that Fred cheated on you. You don't have to forgive him. You don't have to be involved with him. You shouldn't spend your life angry and Fred and allowing him to define your value. Here is a secret in life. Fred didn't cheat on you because of you. Fred didn't even cheat on you because there was something better about the other person. Fred cheated because of him. It probably shored up his self esteem or otherwise validated him personally. 

Growing past old grievances and learning from your own mistakes, and, yes, you probably did make some mistake in measuring your self worth that allowed Fred to keep cheating on you three more times, will set you free and make you a better person. Learn from the past and then evict the negative shit from your focus. When your brain starts feeding you stories about Fred cheating while you are going out with Shaggy do a quick status check to see if it is warning you that you are making the same mistake. If you are not, forget about it. Don't project the past into the present. Haunting yourself with the ghosts of the past is an whole waste of time. 

Getting all those stories you tell yourself about how things are your ex's fault, your boss's fault, or your parent's fault takes time. Playing the victim feels validating in the moment. It is a bit like cursing when you stub your toe. It doesn't actually cure anything, but you feel better about the situation. Once you figure yourself out by clearing all that garbage up, it is a lot easier to create healthy boundaries for the people in your life. Those rules will be based on your comfort and not some perception of preventing the way things went down in a past situation. 

Here is the thing. Sometimes, you make mistakes. You misjudge people. You need forgiveness and second chances. Sometimes you will get those things. Sometimes you won't. Just make sure you aren't walking around blaming others for your own bad choices. 

That has been a hard lesson to learn in life. Hopefully, this will help someone else pick up on it all earlier in their life than I did.