Limited Bandwidth

 I have middling internet. It is one of the downsides of living as far out as I do. There just is not an option for more speed than I have currently. All that really impacts is a few slower meetings at work and an occasional short delay when I am loading something up to stream. I occasionally yearn for more internet bandwidth, but I make it work with what I have. 

People having varying degrees of bandwidth as well. Some people can run multi-billon dollar corporations while developing personal projects and writing their memoirs. Other people do well to remember to take a shower every day. Forget about the scruff off their face. I have never run a multi-billon dollar anything, but at different points in my life I have been capable of having huge amounts of bandwidth. Other times, I am the guy who doesn't have the energy to jump in the shower. Lately, I have been struggling with bandwidth. 

I have to remind myself that my capacity to handle things ebbs and flows depending on a ton of factors. I am up to quite a lot when I am well rested, feeling good, and with my nutrition on point. When my life is under control and my stress is well managed my bandwidth increases. Give me a bad night of sleep, a bunch of junk food, and high stress and I am lucky to be able to gather the focus to go take a nap. 

Increasing bandwidth starts with the fundamentals like sleep, good food, and having the metaphorical fires in your life put out. Don't believe me? Think about a day in your life where you got a poor night's sleep and then got a flat tire on your way to work. It threw you off your game. By the time you made it home all you wanted to do was collapse into bed. Humans are odd though. When things get tough some of the first things to go is our discipline around our positive fundamental habits. 

It is important to counteract the impulse to skip the basics. You will want to stay up late and think about your problems more. You will want to grab a bunch of comfort food or wash away your pain with heavy doses of alcohol. That will throw you further off track. Trust me here. I know what I am talking about. 

The way I have found to circumvent this is that I replace those negative craving with positive solutions. When my head is screaming that I really need to put together a plan right now and damn the fact it is nearing two in the morning, that is the time to pack it up for the night and get some sleep. I can reassure that over anxious and over thinking part of my brain that I have two things going for me. My subconscious brain is brilliant. It will keep chewing on things while the rest of my grey matter shifts into neutral. Second, time and time again I have walked away from a difficult problem, rested, and regrouped only to come up with a good solution from a fresh perspective. I can reassure myself of this thinking of a multitude of examples where everything has worked out. 

I do the same thing with keeping on my diet. While my cravings kick into high gear for ice cream or the like I indulge in an extra serving of fruit. If that doesn't work and the craving persists I will indulge in a single serving of ice cream. It is important to lower my stress about the craving. I do so in a limited way by having a cup of ice cream rather than buying a gallon. Is that falling off the no sweets bandwagon? Yes. Still, I remind myself it is better to give myself a little forgiveness than to be totally overcome by my cravings and stock the pantry with Little Debbie cakes in a fit of soothing myself. 

I also tend to categorize problems in my life into the same time management system I have used for quite a long time in my work life. There are things that are the equivalent of fires that have to be handled right now. Then there are things that can be dealt with over time with patient diligence. I also tend to break things down into bite sized tasks so that things like," Fix and rent the other house," doesn't leave me so paralyzed with anxiety that I am unable to function. I also tend to ignore things that I can ignore. Problems like," Make peace with your ex in-laws," are so complicated and impossible that there is no point even giving any energy to it. 

There is also a lot to be considered when thinking about your bandwidth for effort versus reward. I have gone through another round of being sick and fallen out of my routine of walking daily. Still, the benefits of daily exercise on my health far outweigh the pain and anxiety of getting through a few weeks of sweating and breathing hard during and after the exercise. The effort to get out there tomorrow feels titanic, but then again the rewards are pretty massive as well. 

When I am prioritizing what to put my time into I skew heavily toward taking care of myself, my kids, my family, and my friends in that order. That makes calculations for me simple. It is not an easy concept for most people to put self care before their children. It is easier to cut pieces out of yourself and hand them over to the people you love. Do that long enough and you aren't around for those people anymore. Trust me on this. I did it for years. I watched my Mom do it until she died. I sure wish she had told me to handle my own shit a few times because she needed to take care of herself and was still here with us. 

I have required a lot more self care this year. My health isn't where I want it to be. Working on that means saying no to some other things. I miss my friends that I have been neglecting. I simply know that if I don't take care of me now then there won't be me around for as many years as I would like. Time is a precious thing. I don't ever like feeling like I am investing it foolishly. No one does. That is what most people beat themselves up about after a break up. 

Even getting these posts up twice a week sometimes feels like a lot. The quality of my writing certainly has waned on posts where it is taking everything in me just to get some words on the page. To get it done I have compromised other projects that I was just as invested in. At this point the reward of the blog isn't about audience building as much as it is proving to myself that I can stick to a habit. Literally every other one I started the year with has failed. The year isn't over though. I believe in myself enough to make a good showing. 

That is the biggest secret of bandwidth. It really helps if you believe in the things you are doing and the choices you make. Even if it turns out that you were totally believing in the wrong thing you can get a ton of shit done. I learned that lesson recently. I did some really impressive and amazing stuff for all the wrong reasons. It is interesting to find out that what you believed was true isn't, but to still be proud of all the hard work you put in. 

It is also tough to put in much work when you don't believe in anything. When I don't believe in a place or cause I tend to give my bare minimum. Since that level of effort from me is pretty sub par it doesn't produce much impact. My bandwidth decreases right along with my belief and I struggle to get much of anything done. That isn't because I am not capable. It is simply because I lack the motivation. 

That feeling sucks. I find that I can replace it by believing in myself again. I have found my way through some really trying times in my life. It all tends to work out when I focus on it. I may have to practice some positivity, gratitude, and self compassion to get through, but I will get through. 

I will get the posts written. Some of them will even be pretty decent.