Putting Away Childish Things

I was sitting at my computer one morning a few weeks ago feeling frustrated. It was a couple of hours before time for me to sign in to work. I was eating a bowl of raisin bran and going through a morning ritual that helped me to wake up my brain and focus. The problem was I was too awake. I had gone from my typical morning mental boot up sequence to irritated within a few minutes. I was playing Magic the Gathering Arena and I was losing. I don't get upset when losing at a video game. That morning I was not having fun. I realized that I was looking at a new set coming out around my birthday. I would pay money to pick up new digital cards, and that would have me investing in not having fun. Without any further thought on the subject, I logged out of Arena. Knowing I needed to test myself a bit, I uninstalled Arena from my computer. I sat and thought about Magic the Gathering a while. A girlfriend introduced me to the game in 1994. It tapped into things I was into at the time. I loved the card art. I liked the dueling aspect of the game. I loved the fantasy theme. I started collecting. I kept at it until 2010 when I sold all my Magic cards. I would return to Magic in 2014 and regret parting with my old collection. I invested. I spent a lot of money buying back in. I played Modern, Standard, Commander, and loved to draft. Along with the career change in 2017 I lost my Magic playing crowd. I haven't had one since. That did not stop me from investing in cards again during the pandemic. I was playing Arena daily. I played very little Magic in the real world. Sitting there I realized two things. One, I have been playing Magic the Gathering more than half of my life. I came into Magic and Dungeons and Dragons at about the same point. My interest in them has waxed and waned along the way as my social group or the logistics of my life changed. Second, It was not the game that had me frustrated. I had grown bored. I brooded about this until work started. I like that my job focuses me. I also enjoy the fact that I can noodle on things in the back of my mind while getting stuff done at work. After work, I stretched out on my bed and looked at the shelves in my bedroom. I have board games gathering dust. Some of are still sealed. Having a great collection doesn't feel a source of pride. It feels like I have quite a bit of clutter and space filled with things that aren't bringing much value to my life. I started to grab a box and start packing things away. I could move them out into storage. The idea had an appeal. I also know myself well enough to know that making fast changes often leads to mistakes. I did nothing. I excel at nothing. Its a personal strength. My morning routine is missing something now. For the most part, I have filled the gap with an extra half hour of rest. I added a few minutes of reflection on gratitude and a gratitude journal to help me cement the habit. Even that bit of creative thinking and writing doesn't ring the same bell. I don't miss Magic. It is a sense of getting the neurons firing that seems to be lacking. There is no difference in my productivity throughout the day. Though I did lose a distraction that burned up a little bit of stress for me. I can talk a morning walk instead. It feels as if I am on the precipice of making some big changes in my life. It isn't maturing exactly. I still love my cartoons. Right after finishing Hail Mary by Andy Weir, I started reading Mort by Terry Pratchett. I adore putting together Lego sets with Teagan. I enjoy as much when she loses interest and I finish the Batmobile by myself.

I want things in my life that bring me more value. I do not want to take part in hobbies or even traditions because it is what I have done all along. I need to have intentionality and meaning in the things I take part in. A strange example of this comes in the form of lottery tickets. Before work from home, I drove past a couple of billboards that showed the Powerball and Mega Millions jackpots. I stopped once a week when I stopped for gas and bought one of each ticket. That is $208 a year spent on little slips of paper. It felt a little silly. At the same time, I thought of that $4 a week as money well spent. You see, "You have to be in it to win it." What the tickets do for me is give me entry to daydream. pass that billboard and spend the rest of the commute imagining what I would do with a jackpot like that. When I first started that mental play I imagined vacation homes and fast cars. The more modern daydreams were about free time to work on my health and a blank check to pursue my interests. Then my commute went away. Without the billboard to cue the daydreaming I lost interest in the lottery. My odds haven't changed. I could still daydream, but the value of that is gone. I do not bother buying a ticket most weeks. That same lack of interest has hit many things that once brought value to my life. It is not boardgames and Magic cards. I have been looking rather at everything from computers and video games to the clothes I wear. I want to spend some time reading Marie Kondo. I want to cipher out what is meaningful and brings value and do away with the rest. I have been doing that mentally for a while now. I have been letting go of are grudges, resentments, and examinations of my past failures. I spent some time last week power washing my grey matter to do away with imposter syndrome. It will grow back like a black mold under a leaky bathroom. It is all a process like cleaning the house. Like cleaning the house you have to go back over it to keep it all up. There is no point spending any time or effort on anything that doesn't reinforce the good things in my life. It doesn't erase the negativity. Lord knows, Friday I was on the edge of a huge negative tantrum. Now, I can step back from that and correct my attitude before it takes over and even ruins a day much less more of my life. That is a childish thing I am working hard on putting away. This is tough. It is hard work. I know it is worth doing.