I really wanted to write a blog post about the way the human brain functions. The idea came to me as an interesting exercise partially because I have learned a lot about basic neuroscience in the past few months. The real reason it was on my mind is that I had a moment on Saturday when I was able to understand the functions as they happened and it gave me a greater control over my reactions to the unwanted emotional stimulus.
Things were said to me. Emotions triggered. I thought to myself," I will only feel this for about a minute and a half after that I am either making a choice to react or I am ruminating to myself." I wasn't timing the length of the emotional response. In fact, I was standing in the shower and enjoying the very pleasant physical sensation of warm water cascading across my neck and shoulders. I doubt the unwanted emotional response really lasted even thirty seconds. It was just washed away by my awareness of the process and hurried along by the physical stimulus of the water.
Then I tripped down the idea of blogging a bit about the function of the brain. I thought to myself," Better crack open Unf*ck Your Brain and do a little refresher. You want to get the details right." Then I decided that I would challenge myself to explain the neuroscience in my own words without retouching the source material. That would be a better test.
Quite a lot of the day passed Saturday before I was ready to sit down and write. In fact, my brain had completely shift gears about what I wanted to write about. From a neuroscientific perspective I had several series of unwanted emotional intrusions. For several hours I was able to not react. Finally, I was trigged. The Amygdala grabbed control (I think, having not brushed up) and my fight, flight or freeze response shifted gears into fight.
For a few minutes I was ready to chew nails and spit bullets. I was Godzilla looking for Tokyo and feeling... whatever it is that fictional giant lizards feel when tearing the ass end out of Tokyo. Rage? Constipation? Hunger? Is Godzilla horny for Tokyo? What are those movies about?
Anyway, I did a bit of steaming through the fight response. I prevented feeling remorse for losing my cool. My response was not the one I wanted to choose in retrospect. It did not produce a meaningful result. Screaming and cursing into my cellphone until the other person hung up isn't a personal best. It also isn't a personal worst. It is something that I would be happy not to allow myself to slip into again. Until I learn how to modify or remove some of my triggers that is going to be a challenge. I justify my reaction with the belief that without the provocation I do not act that way. Even being poked and prodded I hold myself together for quite a long time before I allow communication to break down.
Ugh. Ok. I am not really ok with having lost my temper, raised my voice, nor cursed a blue streak. I am disappointed in myself because I pride myself so much on my self control. I maintain a certain detachment from the need to react which really does save me quite a lot of trouble. I believe the quote goes," A moment of patience in a moment of anger saved one thousand moments of regret."
Then I remember Mike Tyson saying," Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth." I really like Mike Tyson. It is really smart observation. He had the right expertise and experience to produce that meaningful quote. On the one hand he is saying," You came at me with your plan and I put an end to it with a nice right hook." Another way to look at it literally hits home with me," I went into this planning to be cool, calm, and collected. That all went out the window when you hit me in the mouth." I have to admit I stop thinking at some point when taking punches, even emotional ones, and my brain says," Alright, time to go to work. This person didn't know and you have to teach."
I believe from time to time we are all ready to stop talking, put our head down, and do some punching to get our point across. I avoid it as much as possible even when it comes to throwing emotional punches. Those do not heal easily. I have been punched, kicked, bitten, stabbed, burned, and even survived a nasty few papercuts. I have come back from all of that with only a few scars. Emotional scars stick with us for a long time, and if you are like me, often for life. I'd take a beating over an unkind word for someone who I care for.
Hours later as I am prepping my blog post, I don't really want to talk about the funny way brains work anymore. Instead, I am tuning up systems in my life. This is a default obsession and distraction for me. I keep refining things until I have something really workable that I am comfortable with. I practice that routine over and over again. Occasionally, I break the whole thing open again to look and see how it all is really working.
That all sounds a little ephemeral. Let me be a bit more specific on a routine I have been playing around with lately. I have been working on my personal growth routine. The old way was simple. Pick a focus, find source material which is often a book, take notes on the valid points, and develop a plan for implementation. Yes, my routines have routines about routines. Don't judge me.
As I mention before, I read Unf*ck Your Brain. I did that to work on my depression, anxiety, and stress. I did some research before picking out the book. I bought it. When it arrived I dedicated time to read and study it. My plan was to read at least one chapter per day while waiting to pick Teagan up from school.
After I plowed through three chapters in the first day with a scrambled series of key points swirling in my brain I decided to limit myself to no more than one chapter per day. I also decided it was important to bring my notebook, pen, and highlighter along with me. I would read the chapter making notes as I read and highlighting really important key points. Let me share all of them:
- When we talk about things, they get better.
- Do you know how long an emotion is actually meant to last? 90 seconds. Seriously, just one and a half minutes for an emotion to run its course.
- Amateurs practice until they get it right, experts practice until they can't get it wrong.
- Reminding yourself that you were doing the best you could with the information and skills you had at the time is hugely important. And remembering that the people who hurt us are also broken and fucked up is almost as important.
One hundred-ninety one pages broken into ten chapters which I read over the course of nearly two weeks and the best I could manage was four funky little call outs. I would love to tell you that my reading comprehension is excellent and significantly more than these points, one of which is a quote from outside the text, are floating around my grey matter. I did a lot of reading, reflecting, and rereading of this one, but at the end of the journey I wanted to put more into my life than those highlights. Honestly, I should reread the book and mark it up a lot more.
The great thing is I realized when I was done with Unf*ck Your Brain that my system wasn't awful but didn't satisfy me. Even though no one was going to test me directly on the knowledge the investment of time and money needed to yield just a little bit more tangible result for me to feel satisfied. I am a complicated guy. I want style and substance as it turns out. I felt much the same way after I finished Atomic Habits.
I have been working my way through Verbal Judo The Gentle Art of Persuasion for a couple of weeks now. I am currently resting on the start of Chapter 16. In thumbing through the pages I have seventeen highlighted areas, one underlined section as a call out to Never Split the Difference Negotiating as if your life depended on it, and a couple of notes in the margins. In my notebook I have 12 pages worth of notes building upon what I read.
So, what changed from one book to the next? I pulled one of the four notebooks inside my planner out of the elastic band that binds it all together. It still rides around inside when I am not using it, but it is easier to leave the cover and the other three notebooks I am not using in my bag while I am working.
I also stopped carrying my big messenger bag with me. I found myself discouraged bringing along a big shoulder bag when most of the stuff I wanted to have with me really fit inside my jacket pockets. How do skinny people manage? I love huge fat guy pockets. Seriously, I can slide a good sized book, my full journal, and quite a bit of other stuff including my favorite pen and highlighter all in one pocket.
I enjoy working through a book like that. I cannot say I love shuffling between the book and the notebook while making notes. It is worth it though as ideas run through my head. The highlighter is to give me call outs on vital information on the page I might want to revisit at a glance. The notes in the notebook are my own thoughts. Shuffling between them in the car isn't ideal, but I do not have a fix for a steering wheel desk at this point.
Still, I go a step further. When the book is fully read, I will sit down and pop open my OneNote and type up my notes and the most important highlighted information. Basically, that means I revisit the key ideas from the book three times and my own observations at least twice. I am also engaging different learning styles by reading, writing, typing, and theorizing how I am putting principles into practice.
Interesting note: Verbal Judo will be either the 8th or 9th book that I have completed this year. Where it fall depends on how much trouble I have in falling asleep. I am working on The Light Fantastic at bedtime. This is also interesting because I do my casual reading on my Kindle whereas the personal development books are always in print so I can mark them up.
I find all of this interesting because of a pen that Facebook advertised to me. The pen is $59. It is aluminum, refillable, and advertised as a method of increasing creativity. Their pitch is that by using their luxury writing utensil and notebooks that you will engage in a more meaningful experience while taking notes. Increased joy at the act means that you are more eager to repeat it and therefore your creativity becomes incentivized and prioritized as a preferred activity.
Damn. Writing about it makes me want to buy that stupid pen. It is a crazy desire. I should not even consider that they are correct. The sad thing is that I have had experiences that lends their idea some credibility. Let me explain. Notice that I am not naming their cursed pen because I do not want anyone else falling victim to marketing as I am likely to.
I have been writing and journaling the majority of my life. I started really writing fiction around age fourteen. I was a dedicated keeper of a journal for years before that. They started as notebook pages. Then they got their own dedicated folder that I kept secreted with my school things during the school year and hid with my books if I made use of a journal over the summer.
I bought my first real journal from Waldenbooks. I got my first hardcover sketchbook there as well. I filled it and got more. The higher quality paper felt better to write on. The fact that the journal had a dedicated purpose encouraged me to place a focus on it independent of other types of paper that could be used for any old thing. It was worth spending fifteen dollars on a nice journal which was astronomical in comparison to the cost of cheap ream of notebook paper. What made the investment worthwhile was purpose and the luxury of quality even if those first journals were cheaply made.
I was in my early twenties when I discovered Moleskine brand notebooks. They would become a staple journal and planner for the next two decades (or close enough) until I experimented with going digital in 2021. The transition may prove to have been a mistake. Journaling is a positive mental habit. I don't do it as often for some reason on the computer. I have made four entries this year although I will add another when I finish this post.
When I moved to using Moleskine I found excuses to write things down. It felt great to be writing in a quality notebook. I coded messages in there for fun. I jotted down every story idea that crossed my mind. It all just came together and was great unless I needed to backtrack and find something. I did not have a routine of moving my entries into a more permanent and searchable format at that point. I don't have a solid plan now. I am working on one though.
The other thing that lends credit to the idea that a $59 pen might convince me to write more is my years long pursuit of great writing utensils. I have blogged about my love of my Cross Tech 3+. I love writing with it although my favorite pen for writing is made by Schneider. The Schneider Slider Memo is more ergonomic and comfortable. The Slider Edge has the same smooth ink flow and has a nice triangular shape which I enjoy for ballpoint sketching. The Schneider brand costs significantly more than the pens you'll find on the shelf at Walmart. The quality of the pen though does encourage me to use it more. I literally enjoy putting ink on the page because of the way the pen writes.
God help me, I don't want to talk myself into trying out a $59 pen. I don't use the really expensive pens I have now with the exception of the Schneider. I do have my preference for an expensive mechanical pencil that I like to draw with from time to time. Come to think of it I am particular in my love of a specific type of wooden pencil for drawing.
Blood and Darkness!
I hate that their marketing works well enough that I have thought things through this far. The point of all this is that I will likely increase my creativity by putting a pen in my hand and applying it to paper regularly. I will probably enjoy the exercise on its own merits but will enhance the experience with higher quality materials that I have pride in. Funny how tagging your ego into an idea makes it so much more appealing!
When I have pride in the materials I am working with I am just more likely to use them. I don't think there are any pages of notebook paper in my house. I am sure that will change as Teagan leaves Kindergarten, but I doubt you will find me taking notes on them. Pens are a bit of a different story.
I place a really high value on the Bic Cristal Stick pen. I prefer them in blue or purple. Even the black ink produces a fantastic mark on the page. They feel nice in my hand. Once upon a time, a blue Bic Cristal was my chosen pen for sketching. I was going through a phase where I challenged myself to not erase. It is difficult, for me at least, to erase ink.
I consider Bic a name brand pen. I have some experience and loyalty to them. I can write or draw with most any writing utensil, but the quality of the Bic name is superior to quite a few generic alternatives I have tried. I think that may hold to the idea of higher quality products produce more joy.
When I first started drawing I filled reams of cheap copy paper with my doodles. I was also fond of drawing on notebook paper while sitting in class. The majority of those drawing have been lost to time. I would say that they mostly were thrown away while cleaning out my perpetually overstuffed locker on the last day of school.
On the other hand, when I started using even cheap sketch pads I placed a high value on what I put on the page. At one point, I had an entire drawer full of full sketchbooks. I rarely removed a page. Filling up the book became a point of pride. When I moved to hardcover sketchbooks I started to feel like I was creating something of my own legacy. I still have several of the hardcover sketchbooks including one where I taped in a bunch of loose leaf drawings I took particular pride in.
Increasing quality of materials has some correlation to increased output for me. The question becomes is there an upper limit for this equation? Would a $50 sketchbook drawn in by a $60 pencil encourage me to draw multiple times a day each day? More likely there is a point where the amount of enjoyment and luxury I am feeling is overpowered by my natural inclination to not put forth more effort than I feel yields rewards.
I am currently drawing on paper that is a good quality though I bought it in a bulk size so that it is relatively cheap. I purchased a 500 page ream that I am working my way through over the course of 2022. I am behind on my page per day output by about fifteen or so days at this point. Still, I am committed to finishing off 365 pieces of art by December 31st.
To encourage myself to draw I have invested in new materials. I have three new mechanical pencils and various colors of lead. I really enjoy two of those pencils where one, though expensive for a mechanical pencil, was a misfire. It was a textured barrel that digs into my fingers uncomfortably as I work. Since I have a plethora of other pencils that are comfortable it doesn't see much use.
I have also invested in alcohol based blending markers. Only six of the dozens of pens I have are Copic brand. I use the fine tip Copic quite a bit for the phase of drawing I refer to as inking. I am probably using inking incorrectly, but it is basically when I go back over my pencils with a fine line marker and add additional depth with set lines and shading.
Experimenting with the colors is fun. I do get excited about getting to that phase though I prefer working with scanned copy to keep my pencils and inks in tact in case I want to revisit a piece. I do notice a difference between my generic alcohol based markers, Arteza markers, and Copic markers. This, though, is a case where I have a preference for tip shape rather than cost. I enjoy a brush tip quite a bit more than a fine tip. There is a bit of variance in quality on chisel tips between the generics and the name brand markers, but not enough that I am sold on replacing my current markers with more expensive ones. In fact, I have not uncapped some of my Copics.
Does that argue against high quality materials making me more creative and productive? I think it does in a way. Though I would argue that my art is not really creative. I am typically practicing skill by imitating the art of others. I think that takes creativity mostly out of the equation which invalidates this as a counter point.
I don't know what all of this means for me investing in a $59 ink pen. I am kidding. I ordered the thing half way through the post. It is worth $59 to me just to see what happens. I also figured out new protocols for my writing to see if there is a difference. The experiment should work as follows:
I will designate one book in my organizer as a journal.
I will designate another book as a notebook.
I will assign the third book as the home for my creative writing. I intend to focus on outlining the swords and sorcery novel that I started in Word and have somewhat stalled on after a few weeks work even though the characters are still kicking around in my head.
I will take notes with either my CrossTech 3+ or one of my Schneider pens. This is no deviation from my original behavior.
I will write in my journal with my Schneider pen.
I will work on my creative writing with my fancy new pen of deep shame once it arrives.
Each Sunday I will record the amount of pages I have produced in each medium. If I show a positive bias on the expensive pen in creative writing after two weeks then I will switch to journaling with it as well. If I show no bias toward the expensive pen I can conclude the quality materials hypothesis is false.
If the bias is present and I begin using the expensive pen in journaling and that output increases after a few more weeks study then it is safe to call the hypothesis as positively indicated. I may at that point choose to look at other variables, such as more expensive notebooks, to move toward advancing the confirmation.
Since positivity and creative output is the goal, it may well be worth investing more financially to keep myself engaged and incentivized. A confirmation could lead to some interesting changes. A counterindication on the other hand might lead me to study other factors such as routine, distractions (of which there are few while waiting on the kid in the car at her school), and my other more biological influences like diet and exercise.
All I know is if I am working with a pen of any dollar value and someone comes up and punches me in the mouth, all my plans and experimentations are going to stop in a hurry.
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