Magnificent Malaise

Thank you to everyone who takes the time to read my posts. I was very proud of Hauling Gravel and really appreciated the folks who dropped comments on Facebook. Even though I do not necessarily write my blog to solicit reaction, it feels really good when something resonates and people say so. If I were ever to achieve the status of being 'widely read' (notice I don't suggest popularity) the hope would be that I would say things that would have meaning for others and provide help, encouragement, or comfort. 

Two posts back I talked about my scheming to buy myself a new bed frame, mattress, and bedding set. Often moves like that are the harbingers of a series of actions on my part. For example, the rising gas prices and sluggish economy sold me on the idea of not investing in a truck or SUV. It is much cheaper to keep my little gas sipping Hyundai Veloster than to take on a car payment for a super thirsty vehicle capable of hauling a camper. 

The decision was followed quickly by investment in the Veloster. I had a new set of tires put on. I was shocked to spend double for my Kumho this go round. I invested in a spare rim using my best 'old' tire to create a real spare. I bought myself a jack and jack handle to go with it. That would have made her road trip worthy, but I went a step further and replaced the busted speakers in the front of the car. 

All of that is a flurry of activity typical of me being resolved to a course of action. Imagine my feeling when I closed all of the doors to the Veloster to enjoy the sound system for the first time since I bought the car in November of 2017 without busted speakers. I tuned in the radio, sat my head back against the rest and closed my eyes to enhance the pleasure coming to my ears. 

The radio played 'Faith' by George Michael. I muttered along through the first verse. My eyes sprang open as the instruments kicked in. The rear door speaker was rattling with that horrible sound that comes from detached speaker cones. I fumbled around awkwardly and located the speaker behind the driver's door figuring it was best to replace it at the same time. A bit of internet research and an online order later I ordered a matching pair of speakers to replace the rear speakers. 

That flurry of activity was a week ago. I have not been motivated to do much of anything since other than a brief burst of inspiration on Monday which triggered Hauling Gravel. I have puttered about with no great inspiration or ambition for a week now performing only the most perfunctory of tasks like assembling and placing my new nightstands. 

Well, that isn't exactly true. I have done a few things. Most of all I have been devouring books. I read through the remainder of my comics for this month's shipment. That triggered me removing the last of my Marvel mutant books from my pull list. For the first time since my return to comics in 2012, I am not reading anything X-men. The storylines, in spite of my fondness for some of the writers, are just not to my taste. 

I finished reading Christopher Golden's Of Saints and Sinners. I remember being pretty caught up in the Peter Octavian novels when I was younger. I struggled through the ending. Blame that on my mood not the writing. On a whim I bought the first Sword Art Online novel. I devoured it in about three days slightly confused at the differences between the novel and the anime. How could Kirito and Asuna escape Aincrad at the end of the first novel and yet the second novel is called Aincrad as well? I haven't been able to convince myself to dive in to the second novel theorizing that there is a good chance that the books aren't written in chronological order. I struggle with that. 

I switched gears and spent a lovely 72ish hours reading Artemis by Andy Weir. I am ashamed to admit I slept far too long on this one. It really is a great read. I bought Hail Mary with full confidence in Andy Weir, but I decided to take a Science Fiction palate cleansing break before diving in. I pulled out my list of books I want to read and settled on The Prestige by Christopher Priest. In spite of absolutely hating Christopher Priest's Vampirella run, I gave the book a shot because I liked the movie of the same title. This was a smart decision since they are not the same Christopher Priest. 

Being curled up with my Kindle has given me lots of time with my lovely new bed. It also is a symptom that I might not be feeling totally myself. I have been struggling with this since of ennui or malaise. With nothing quantifiably wrong externally or with any real depression I am at loose ends of what I want to do with myself. 

This is a very separate feeling than depression. When I am struggling with a depression there is a sense of not being able to take joy. Depression is almost like having a filter between me and the world that just sucks the good out of everything before it gets to me. This sensation is very different. 

I have moments of enjoyment. While Final Fantasy VII is not my favorite entry in the series, I am having a decent time working through it again. I have moments that I really enjoy leveling up Cloud and Tifa. I wish that homewrecker Aeris (the original version shortened Aerith) was not along for the journey, but her limit break, Healing Wind, is just incredibly useful. I know Sephiroth will solve that problem shortly. If I could concentrate on the game I would likely be much closer to that pivot. 

Which is the thing about this sense of ennui. Nothing holds my interest for very long. I play a few races on Mario Kart 8 Deluxe because the new content is good and then I feel bored with it. I do a few household chores and get no sense of accomplishment or satisfaction. I write a little and I put the pen down. Nothing is holding my interest. I am apathetic, listless, lethargic though not phlegmatic. Yes, I got some joy out of using those words. The emotions are hitting just fine. 

The fact I am reading so much says that I am not totally apathetic either. I am just lacking in enthusiasm for a great many of my regular activities. I don't want to draw. I am not focused on playing Final Fantasy with my usual fervor. I don't really have anything I want to eat. It was a chore picking out groceries this week. I don't have any drive to exercise. Though I did get inspired to buy myself a new pair of running shoes which I will be driven to use to walk to justify their price. 

Since this is an unusual feeling, I don't have a protocol to break myself out of it. I do have some theories on the origin. Some of this will sound crazy. Some might not. 

My routine needs changed up. People get stuck in a rut and become listless. I have a pretty heavy resistance to this. I can eat the same foods repeatedly for a great period of time. Even routine can be a comfort... right up until it becomes oppressive. I probably am overdue for a vacation. Maybe it is as simple as I have been at the grind for 3 months straight and I have not taken a real routine breaking vacation since last June. 

The time change for coming off and on daylights savings time always screws with me. Springing forward is harder on me for changing my sleeping routine. That makes sense since I don't have any special love of daylight. Losing an hours sleep and maintaining an earlier schedule is an adjustment. Compared to falling back where I gain an hour of sleep, I could be subtly struggling as a result. 

It could be viral. I have believed for many, many years that there are bugs which hit us and screw up our emotional state with few if any other symptoms. Having worked in both retail and call center throughout my career, I can tell you that I have seen bad moods swim through different work groups, linger for 3 days to a week, and in waves depart. These outbreaks tend to cause friction that no one can quite explain. Yes, I am suggesting that it is possible to come down with a bad case of cranky. If so, I should be able to drink plenty of fluids and get plenty of rest and will recover in due course naturally. 

This could be the precursor to me sinking into a depression. That emotion is likely due to a chemical imbalance in my brain. I base this on the fact that I have been stuck in depressions in the past that did not have a proximate source. I find that I can typically overcome those funks through stimulation. I break my routine with an unusual activity like a trip to the mountains. I eat a bit of chocolate, even though I am allergic and will have a headache, and chase off a mild depression. I can get some exercise. I can also occasionally do a little retail therapy if an appropriate excitement accompanies my purchases. 

I blame Valve (not really) a bit for me not taking all the joy in a new Steam Deck. I won't get one until my reservation comes available which likely isn't until October. In all actuality I am glad to have time. I have been reading every review and usage study. Apparently, I will be able to use the Steam Deck in some really impressive ways enough to basically replace my gaming laptop for most things including writing and blogging if I plan my set up correctly. 

I could need some company of friends and family. I probably need to get out of my house and my shell and spend some intentional time with people. Even thinking about all of this cures a bit of the ennui a bit. I imagine a coffee break, sans the coffee for me, would lighten my heavy soul considerably. With warm weather and motorcycle riding in my near future this is something I am coveting a bit. 

Finally, I am aging. My brain has been fully developed for a while even though I hope that I add new wrinkles to it regularly. Some part of the funk could be either a change in brain chemistry unrelated to depression meant to calm me down so I don't lead as strenuous a lifestyle. I find it possible due to the fact an afternoon nap has become a real highlight of my life. If anyone had suggested that reality would come to pass to 26 year old me I would have laughed and said it impossible. 

My intensity has not lessened as I have aged. I am still a bit of a firebrand. I am better about tempering my reactions, but the emotional surges are the same. When I do exercise my output is diminished more by my weight than my age. My muscles are still willing to go to the same extremes as when I was 16 years old. That gives me hope even if it is an out of breath and needing a nap kind of hope. 

I write about this because I believe that talking and sharing things like this helps. Someone else may be feeling totally listless and dissatisfied. This is my rap album equivalent of saying,' If you feel what I feel, throw your mother fucking hands up,' only, you know, less enthusiastic and without rhythm. Ten cool points to anyone reading this who actually had the initiative to throw up their hands. 

I am going to go see if I can work myself into a bit better headspace without curling up in the bed to read more. I may go shoot my bow. I may follow my Pooh Bear instincts and find a small smackerel of something scrumptious. Writing this cheered me up considerably. I don't want to break my posting streak. 

There is probably something smart to all that.