Hauling Gravel

 I don't know if it is a little boy thing or not, but as a kid I really had an affinity for gravel. There was something great about finding a puddle of small loose gravel that I could spin out the tire of my bicycle in. A pile of gravel waiting for any other use became a mountain to climb or a hill on which to be King. Best of all gravel was always amazing for throwing or shooting out of a slingshot. 

At some point in my teen years I began taking gravel for granted. There were exceptions. I appreciated a nice secluded gravel road for a romantic date night twist. I also liked to avoid gravel when sitting up a tent to camp. Beyond that, I got to thinking about gravel a lot less.

Gravel hits totally differently as an adult. If it hits your windshield there is a good chance you are making a glass claim with your insurance. If it is missing from your drive way, you mourn all those gravels you tossed away in your youth. When you buy a few ton and pay that bill, you really appreciate gravel in a totally different way. 

Today I learned to appreciate gravel as a metaphor. I was chatting with a friend about trauma, stress, anxiety, and all the other fun things that make up adult conversations these days. I reached for a way to express the cumulative effects of carrying lots of small hurts with you and true to my brain's ability to spin out some meaningful bullshit I came out with this:

It is tough. The little thing add up over time. It's a bit like gravel. Most of can carry a bit of gravel around in a pocket without a problem. Add a little more? No worries. There comes a point though that the gravel weights enough to hurt you and eventually crush you. 

For an off the cuff metaphor, I am proud of this. I am proud enough that I think it is worth building on it. I even warned my friend that I had accidentally stumbled across my next blog post subject. In my ever growing grasp on mental health I am thinking of this phenomenon as the erosion of mental health. Pardon me while I spend a few hundred words belaboring the point. 

It feels like we pick up these metaphorical gravels unintentionally. I don't know of anyone who has a bad experience and then says to themselves," I think I will grab on to this. Then, I will ruminate on it sporadically for a much longer period of time than is reasonable. Finally, when I have built this thing I am carrying around with me into something truly toxic I will shove it deep into my psyche where it will fester and start to impact me in exciting and unexpected ways." 

For me those little metaphorical emotional gravels often stem from my own insecurities. Someone challenges me on something and I feel slighted in a personal way. It doesn't matter the validity of their challenge or if my mistake was honest. I didn't even have to make an actual mistake. For example, I could be collaborating without someone and they are proofing a document I have written. They make a quip about correcting my grammar. It is meant with every good intention and is teasingly playful. I am suddenly swimming fast through a flood of insecurity about my grammar and education. 

I use this example purposefully. That literal thing happened to me earlier today. I said," Hey, look this over and see what needs corrected, if you don't mind." The person came back with some valuable additions to my document. They also added some things I see as frivolous and unnecessary. It doesn't lose me any face to accept their point of view though so I keep that to myself. I say my thanks and then they come back with," Yeah, sorry it took me a while. I had to wade through and fix your grammar." 

ARGH! Hurt feelings galore. I start wondering if I should take some creative writing classes to revisit my grammar. I start wondering where I have stashed my grammar bible college. Stupid Harbrace Handbook. I consider making a few smart assed comments asking if their last name is Strunk or White because if it isn't who are they to criticize my grammar?

I bit all of that down. I realize I am reacting emotionally to a slight teasing. I also realize that their comment is not about me. It is really about them. Thank you Don Miguel Ruiz and The Four Agreements. Moreover, I am not so insecure or thin skinned that I should react or even respond to such a small, innocent comment. I calm down. I realize my grammar really could use some improvement. I doubt my friend meant any actual insult. There is much to be gained by smiling and laughing along with the joke. That was me putting down this metaphorical gravel of pain and suffering. I thanked my friend for their help and I found I was genuinely appreciative of their help. 

It could have gone differently. A very slightly younger, slightly less mature David would have held on to that quip. It would have been a small thing. Yet, I would have remembered it and held it against that person. I would have been slightly bitter. I would have been likely to have responded hatefully and damaged the relationship. Most of all subconsciously, I would have pocketed that gravel and started carrying it around with me.

Picture that for a second. There stands all 6'4" of David. I am wearing my comfy slip on shoes. I have on my baggy cargo shorts because the weather is nice. I am rocking a long sleeve, light weight shirt because I am pale and the sun takes that very personally. Let's say this metaphorical gravel is going to become a substantial thing for the purpose of demonstration. It is in my hand. The gravel is small and light enough that I can toss it from hand to hand playfully. In fact, doing so is rather fun. 

You are there watching me toss this gravel back and forth. I start feeling a bit foolish because I am being watched playing with a small rock even though there is a simple joy in that. I shove it in my pocket and come over to find out why you are creepily staring at me as I play with a rock. Weirdo! I like this gravel. I am a bit obsessed with it. Tossing it away isn't going to feel good. I shove it in my pocket. 

Sure. It is in there with my pocket knife and my minimalist wallet. As I walk it is probably dinging the finish of both of them. It is also probably making a bulge in my pocket ruining the lines of my shorts. You are defending yourself about me calling you strange for watching me now because I am a grown man with a gravel stuffed in his shorts. This meeting isn't going as either of us expect. We are friends though so we move past that.

One gravel in my pocket can damage a lot of stuff. I have already probably ruined the finish of my rather expensive Kershaw knife. I probably dinged up my wallet. That isn't as much of a loss, but since I take care of my things I don't like walking around with anything banged up. My leg may be getting rubbed raw. More than likely the fabric of my shorts pocket is getting worn from the rock as well. 

Picking up these gravels is a habit. I probably am not going to walk around with just one for very long. I may pick up several a day depending on what is going on with my mental health. Going back to the image of me, what if I have six gravels in that same pocket? Now my shorts are bugling on the right side. My shorts may be starting to sag. The gravels in my pocket are certainly a distraction to me. They probably are to anyone looking at me as well.

Give me time to fill up all my pockets. Keeping my shorts on is pretty much all I can concentrate on other than maybe picking up gravel out of habit. I am stuffing these new gravel on top of everything. My cellphone, wallet, keys, and pocket knife are all ruined. I look a ridiculous mess with gravel bulging out of my shirt and shorts. I am even stuffing them in my own shoes even though it makes walking tough. I don't seem to be able to not pick up any little gravel that catches my interest. 

If the process keeps up I literally bury myself in these gravels. Remember the gravels represent hurts of different sizes that you hang on to after the fact. Cover your body in loose gravel and you are uncomfortable. Bury yourself in a few inches and it is a struggle to breathe or move. Add a few inches more and you are dead. 

It really is a good metaphor for allowing little hurts to erode away your mental health over time. You can cruise along a good portion of your life not realizing that these little negative experiences that you are collecting are chipping away at the stability of your self worth. They build up a very real weight and pressure in your mind to the point that it doesn't take much of a bad day to completely tear you apart mentally. 

I know what the symptoms of this erosion feel like. You are constantly tired from carrying the weight of it all. You may have subconsciously started to believe that you cannot function without the burden of it all. You may not believe there is any hope of getting back to the person you used to be even though you probably don't remember the point where you stopped being that person because it happened in tiny little instances and the change was very gradual. You are sore from the jagged edges of those hurts. It makes you sensitive. 

Remember I am talking about little hurts. I am not even talking about things like abuse, mourning, or any of the other major things that we go through. Those are boulders dropped onto a pile of gravel. Big, heavy granite bastards. Ugh. I don't enjoy boulders at all. 

Oddly enough the metaphorical gravels may do more damage. I have moved past most of the big boulders in my life thus far. Those gravels are tough. I really have to work at not holding on to them. 

That is the good news. You can stop collecting gravels. You can empty your pockets and stop carrying the gravels around with you. You can probably even find a new pair of shorts. Though a great fit is a tough thing to reproduce. Let me tell you that laying your burden down and not picking up a new one will give you a much, much better life. It will cure of you negative behaviors you didn't even realize you had.

I am likely not qualified to help everyone. I will share some things I have picked up that really help me. If I remember I will try to reference where I learned lessons. It all blurs together at times so anything I don't credit is not intentional. 

I mentioned earlier The Four Agreements. That lovely little book taught me that we all doing things for reasons related to ourselves. I suppose I had already believed that along the way. I think of it in honest terms. When I do something nice for someone, let's say I suddenly send you a text message that reads," You are one of my favorite people. I just want you to know how much I love and appreciate you," that is a genuine sentiment and it is meant to make you feel good. Why though? Making you feel good makes me feel good. I did it as a personal validation. 

The opposite is true as well. Let's say I insult you with," That is a really nice pair of shoes. I understand that people wear shoes like that when they lack the personality to draw attention to themselves in any other way." It is mean. It sounds like a bad pick up line from VH1's The Pickup Artist. Saying that came from some need inside me to make myself feel superior to you. I may be just jealous of the shoes. I might also be intimidated by you and by attacking you I am mentally trying to convince myself that I am not your inferior. 

What that tells me is that I can pick and choose what praise I choose to hold on to. I can ignore the insults even if they are based in something that I am insecure about. It wasn't the thing that I was insecure about, for example my difficult to control hair, that triggered the insult. It was something inside the person who felt the need to insult me. 

I have a gravel in my pocket in the exact size and shape of a former store owner I used to work for who called me," Mop," when I didn't keep my hair cut short. Even working at putting that down it is a sensitive subject. I bring that up for two reasons. One it is relevant to the last paragraph. Two, it leads me to my next way of healing. 

It doesn't take strength to hold on to all that negative gravel and still move along acting like nothing hurts you and your shit doesn't stink. That is actually a very weak mentality. Trust me I know. Real strength comes from being vulnerable. Think about it in literal terms. You see a great big guy armored from head to toe in plate mail slowly clomping toward you down the sidewalk carrying a sword. Next you see a completely naked midget running toward you totally unarmed, a smile on his face in spite of wildly flapping anatomy, and by the way he is covered head to toe in a fine sheen of baby oil. 

I don't know about you but the little fella scares the shit out of me. He is extremely vulnerable, but he is not afraid to be. That means he knows something I don't know. Anyone who has the balls to come at me from a place of vulnerability instantly has credit and likely shortly after my respect. 

I suggest you consult Brene Brown and Daring Greatly to get a real perspective on vulnerability. I am bad at explaining it. I promise you she doesn't use my clumsy imagery. I learned an interesting thing after reading it. Vulnerability is hard, but it is a bit like exposing a mold that thrives in darkness to sunlight and bleach. When you are open, honest and don't build a façade for people you start healing and growing stronger inside. All those things that have festered and turn you ugly start drying up pretty quickly. The more you practice this, the better it gets. That might be why my blog is such an emotional mess. This whole thing is one giant vulnerable love letter to trying to get mentally healthy myself. 

Mark Manson is my go to for level setting. By that I mean if you want to learn how to redefine things and choose what is important to you and cut through the haze of bullshit that other people have influenced you to believe in then read The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck.  I grew up in a generous family who did not put on airs about what we had. Still, I didn't realize how much I had come to think of the way I lived my life as inferior to others based on money, cars, houses, and other completely stupid measures of success like how long someone else had stayed in an unhappy marriage. 

When I started defining my own goals and values by discarding the measures of success that felt culturally implied I dumped out a lot of gravel. I didn't feel the need to dick measure with things like education, my weight, the traditional nature of my romantic relationships, and about 500 other things. I literally quit competing in races that I had not cared about in the first place. 

It did something else for me in combination with therapy and a few other sources. I stopped feeling shame for things in my past. I learned to accept a few facts about that. I have no ability to replay or relive those times in my life. I did what I did at that time with the experience and skills I had at the time. I have learned what lessons can be learned. Now I have accepted those happenings. Notice I didn't say I have forgiven myself or forgotten about them. I have accepted them as an experience of fact and I can now move past them without continued shame, pain, or suffering. That is pretty damned freeing. 

All that said, I still pick up a gravel here and there. I recognize that is a normal human bad habit. I counter it with a few simple things. If someone else tosses the gravel at me, I mostly follow The Four Agreements beliefs I mentioned before, but to keep myself from taking it personally I go a step further. I assume that most things that hurt me are not done intentionally. I assume that most people mean to be good people and the pain I am experiencing was an accident... as long as it isn't happening in an abusive way. Accidents happen. I can let that go. 

Then again, Momma didn't raise no bitch. Sometimes, if I am struggling with a person a few times, I actually put on my big boy panties and communicate with them to try and solve it. Crucial Conversations helped me a lot with that. I normally take a step back and make sure I am not in a bad mentality either playing the victim or villainizing the other person before I start the conversation. 

Most of the time a little conversation without those emotional barriers does the trick. I often find out that I did something to start the conflict that I was completely unaware of. I am an accidental asshole quite often. My mouth is quicker than my brain. I react like a fucking champion. The reaction is almost never right. It has contributed to some really unfortunate situations over the years. I don't have shame about that. It is something I need to be honest with myself and a little vulnerable about. 

If I never have the conversation, I am going to end up carrying around gravel until I do villainize the person. Also, I am probably stacking up gravel for them as well. Shit like that ruins relationships fast. Funny how shining some light on things and talking it out often makes it better. That happens fast when you come to the conversation with an attitude of ownership and apology. Something along the lines of," Hey can we chat for a few? I got my feelings hurt by (whatever it was) and I think I probably have stepped on your toes along the way. I would like to make it right with you," seems to work wonders.  Don't say it unless you mean it though. Sincerity is really important. 

No one can haul all that gravel without straining themselves. It is a lot easier to pick it up than to heal from putting it down. I hope something here helps you if you feel that you have some of these burdens. If so, do yourself a favor and find people or resources much smarter than me to help. Most of all, don't feel alone in your struggles. All of the people I know and love and various levels of screwed up except for Teagan. She is probably pretty doomed to have issues since I am her very devoted Dad. 

I will end with two things. One, to my friend who inspired me to sound smart in metaphor, thank you. We have great conversation. It makes me a smarter, better person a few words and thoughts at a time. I hope I repay that with all of the interest owed. Two, if you are reading this and don't feel like you have anyone to talk to, feel free to hit me up. I have gotten much better at listening without trying to solve other people's problems. I won't judge you or anyone else. I will probably joke around and say some dumb shit at some point, but you won't be alone. No one should feel alone unless they want to. I often enjoy my solitude, but I will give that up to help someone in a red hot second.