A Random Rambling for Thursday

 I normally write my Monday blog posts on the Saturday or Sunday before. Likewise, I typically get the work done on the Thursday post Tuesday or Wednesday. Between feeling bad and a busy week at work that just has not happened this week. Here it is nearly 21:30 on Thursday night and I don't really have a lot to say here. The narrative voice in my head that normally smoothly dictates these posts to my fingers as they race across the keys trying to keep up is only giving one message. It is grumpily saying," Go to bed." 

Once upon a time, I had a sticker on the back of my car which read," I do what the voices in my head tell me to do." That sticker felt quirky and a little rebellious back in the late 90s. It was probably just pathetic. Thinking back, I don't know that there was all that much going through my head. I did most of my plotting and planning with other anatomical systems which were probably getting superior blood flow. Then again my Mom would have been super upset if I had a sticker on my car that said,"My penis is thoroughly in charge of my decision making process," even if it was mostly true at that point in my life. 

What can I say? My prefrontal cortex was mostly working as ballast for my overly inflated ego at that point in my life. The only voice that I really remember from those days is the voice of Creeping Doubt. You know that quiet little voice that does a decent impression of Emperor Palpatine from the original trilogy and is fond of saying things like," Remember that time you got the comb stuck in your rat tail in third grade, cut your rat tail off, and then went home and lied to your parents about it for no real reason at all? You are still that stupid." 

Creeping Doubt used to have a lot to say to me. I don't know about the path to the dark side being fear, hate, and anger. For me it was insecurity, self doubt, and a lack of self worth. That voice was on my like flies on shit from the start of middle school well into my mid-twenties. I fed it a healthy diet of bad decisions and self sabotage during most of that period. Creeping Doubt got really strong. 

That is, of course, the way it works. The parts of yourself that you nurture get stronger. Those that you neglect get weaker. Spend a bunch of energy on trying to impress other people by being sarcastic and quick witted at the cost of neglecting being genuine and caring and you will find yourself with a clever tongue and a lonely life. I have spent nearly twenty years nurturing some better parts of myself. Creeping Doubt still zings me occasionally, but the stronger voices generally shout him down. 

Anyway, all that is not really what is on my mind. That is just a bunch of page filling psychobabble because I needed to wake up to writing in hopes of banging this thing out before Thursday is finished. My mind is pretty firmly on Covid and the pandemic. 

I am a bit scared and a bit depressed about it all. I have been sick since the week before Christmas. None of it has been completely debilitating or anything. It has been one fever, a few days of sore throat, an intermittent but annoying cough, quite a bit of congestion, low energy, and craving sleep. Since I work from home and was on vacation for the first week I didn't even consider the need to go to the doctor. Even with insurance, I hate going to the doctor on things I can manage with over-the-counter meds. I am a bit cheap. I am a whole lot not fond of doctors. 

I talked myself out of the idea that this crud could be Covid-19 or a variant again. This week I am starting to recover. I have gotten back into the exercise albeit not what I was doing before. I haven't missed any work. I even have a voice most of the day. 

What if it is Covid again? It doesn't feel like my lungs were hurt in this round. I don't feel diminished by this illness except for being tired. Still, I feel like I spent quite a bit more time in 2021 sick than I would have liked or considered normal. The scary thought that occured to me is that Covid-19 passed through me and left me weaker and even with the additional precautions I am just weaker than I was before and more susceptible to ever cold and flu that I come into casual contact with. 

How do you even break that cycle? 

I am counting on proper rest, stress management, good exercise, fresh air (as the weather permits), and a better diet to do the trick. I still take my One-a-day multivitamin. I may have added a bit more vitamin C to my diet. Overall though are those things going to be enough to make 2022 a healthier year for me and the family? I don't know and that scares me. 

I do not see an end in sight for this pandemic. I do not blame anyone for that. I am vaccinated and I did not expect that the vaccination would make me totally immune from the virus. I expected it to increase my ability to overcome the virus when I inevitably encountered it again. As far as I know, it is doing its job. Since I am not a doctor I cannot say my chances of surviving this whole thing are better because of the vaccination, but I believe they are. That provides me the placebo effect at bare minimum. 

Going into the third year of the recognized pandemic, I do not have any reason to believe this is going to be over in 2022. Honestly, I have been thinking of getting better quality masks and personal protective gear. I have been contemplating the next few years of my kiddo being in school and how much danger of exposure that gives her.  I look at it all and I am bewildered. 

The thing is, I am not miserable staying at home most of the time. I am an only child. I also spent a good part of my life not spending time with friends because I am a introvert and kind of an asshole. The changes for me are mostly tolerable. I play more video games in place of my desire to play TTRPGS or Board Games with friends. I put off seeing movies that are only in theaters until they hit streaming services or DVD. Spider-man No Way Home has made me really tempted to change that. It isn't worth another bout of being sick though. 

I have even leaned more into the solo activities that allow me to be active at home. I got back into archery. Then I dusted off my crossbow and ordered a couple of quivers of bolts. Now I have a variety of Archery. That has been pleasant. Arrows and Bolts aren't super cheap, but they are reusable and cheap in comparison to the amount I would spend to fire an equivalent amount of bullets. God I really had missed shooting. 

The daily routine helps. I will eventually be strong enough to get in multiple sessions of exercise again. My morning games of Magic on Arena get my brain firing. Blogging and drawing keeps the creativity. The current round of my TV shows are keeping me entertained. 

I just have to keep telling myself that this too shall pass.