Going Overboard

 Years ago I had a typical adult moment where I realized that my stress level had somewhat taken control of my life. I was angry which was not uncommon for me from about age ten until my mid thirties. I was depressed. I was completely overwhelmed. I also had no clear idea as to what was going on in my head or my heart. Those are a confusing combination of feelings. 

I was no stranger to antidepressants. I had used Prozac for depression and Buspar for anxiety in the past. I do not like taking medication of any kind to this very day, but there are times when medicine is not an optional thing. I headed to my doctor's office knowing that I was needing help and not vulnerable enough to admit that I was having an emotional crisis. 

The doctor heard me out. I got to try Vytorin. It would be the first and last time that I would use that particular medicine. I literally hallucinated. I am talking seeing Purple Smurfs running down the aisles at my job and giant bat like creatures flying beside my car windows when I was driving. With an imagination as fertile as mine you do not play with hallucinations. I am not trying to have tea with Cthulhu. It was rough ramping up the Vytorin and even rougher coming off of it after a few months of what felt like mildly interesting insanity. 

The meds didn't really work for me in that go round. Something else the Doc prescribed me did. She suggested that I needed better rest, exercise, and a hobby. I argued (because of course I did) that I had tons of hobbies and if they were going to help I wouldn't be stressed or anxious to begin with. She laughed at me and asked about my hobbies. I talked about writing, drawing, reading, and playing video games. 

The doctor challenged me that writing and drawing might not be the most relaxing hobbies for me. They both have an element of work, albeit enjoyable work. It is in my nature to want my writing and my drawings to be good. Both of those hobbies also can be based in seeking approval from others. I was not ready at that point in time of my life to admit that there was a problem in me doing things to seek external validation. The doctor was smart and played on my psychology a bit to point out that both writing and drawing could become frustrating and that any frustration from them would eliminate the relaxation I was looking for. I hesitantly agreed that I needed something else. 

She smartly asked," When you were a kid, what could you focus on that just calmed you down but kept your mind entertained?" There are really a few things. I love, to this day, playing with Legos. I was not quite ready to start investing time and money into Legos so I mentally crossed that one off the list unspoken. If I were a bit more creative I might have realized that playing with Legos has adult analogs in hobbies like car restoration, woodworking, or even building and painting models.

Those would all be things that I would try out over the next decade incidentally, but in the exam room I was not feeling particularly creative. I went to the two defaults. I had always enjoyed reading. I am a bookworm and have been since I learned to read. Just reading books had a challenge at that time. I was devouring a couple of novels a week and I was still extremely stressed out and anxious. I also tended to read myself to sleep. That is fine in an uneventful evening at home. It is less desirable on a lunch break. 

My other go to since I was a kid was comic books. Reading and comic book reading are a bit different for me. There are great narratives in both comics and novels, but the art and the short episodic nature of comics make them resonate differently. I can read a couple of comic books on a lunch break, fire up my interest and imagination, and not have to worry about falling asleep at all. The doctor agreed with my choice and prescribed me a bit of time reading a few comic books each week to help me relax and center. It was good advice and it worked. 

I calmed down. I realized I wasn't happy with what I was doing with my life at that time. I made changes...and then I started going a bit overboard. I went from reading Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and a few X-men titles at first to the insane amount of investment in most everything hitting the shelves each week. I think at the peak intensity of my comic book obsession I was spending about $100 a week on comic books. 

What is more interesting about that time is that the relaxation I was getting from reading a few books was overshadowed at a point by the realization that I was overspending and under enjoying comics. This is something that I have struggled with from time to time since then. I would love to blame it on comics, my involvement in the podcast, or even wanting to belong to that community. The truth is I have to blame myself. I go overboard on the things I enjoy. 

If you are reading this blog there is a pretty good chance that you already know I am working on creating habits. I write daily for at least an hour. I exercise every day for at least an hour. I also draw at least one thing every day. 

A daily sketch is fun. It relaxes me in exactly the way that it should have ten years ago when I was seeking a relaxing hobby. Writing does as well. I draw and write because doing so pleases me. Sometimes I share my efforts. Sometimes I do not. If someone shares an opinion of my work, great. My ego is not mixed up in it like it used to be. I do get a sense of accomplishment, pride, and satisfaction from it all. 

Where I get a bit screwed up on the whole thing is in adding accessories. When I started relearning how to draw, because it had been quite a while, I grabbed a few sheets of printed paper and a plain number 2 pencil. That is one of the beautiful things about enjoying drawing. No matter your skill level you do not have to have a whole lot of tools or equipment. I wish I could say I stopped there. 

My next few purchases were arguably reasonable. I love carrying my little journal around with me. I constantly have things I need to write down. I have a cool system for this and adding a small sketch book to the journal system was as easy as an Amazon order. I slid a couple of those pencils in the back of the journal and I was off to the races. I could draw at home or on the go. 

Then I ran into an interesting development. When I first started drawing my characters would often take up the entirety of a piece of notebook paper or a sketchbook page. As I got better control my work shrank down a bit and I could often get two or even three good sketches on a single page. I suspect I will alway be a figure artist. I have very little interest in creating scenes or panels for my work even when I am cartooning. 

My control isn't as good now as it used to be. My art takes up more of a page and I want a bigger page to work with. My little A4 journal is exceptional, but I was struggling to get the detail into my sketches that I wanted. I was having trouble scaling a figure onto the page. My solution once again was found on Amazon. I decided that rather than invest in more sketchbooks it was time to go loose leaf. I got 500 sheets of a nice heavy drawing paper for about $17. 

In the past I have spent $25 on a good sketch book without a moment's hesitation and it might have 100 pages if I used both sides of each sheet. Buying a ream of quality paper did not feel the least bit out of bounds. I also had an idea of where I was going next in my drawing pursuits and I didn't want to be confined to a sketchbook. 

With a little inspiration on how to get started from an artist friend of mine I decided to start learning how to use Copic Markers. That is to say that I was willing to invest in some cheap alcohol based markers which would blend like Copic. I would like nothing better than to have a wide variety of authentic Copic Alcohol based markers. It just is not a reasonable investment for me at this point. 

I am not a professional artist. I am drawing for fun. Spending $5 a marker is a waste of money. I got a cheap Chinese knock off pack of markers on Amazon for about $25. I started applying a little color (all without having any real technique) to inked versions of my sketches. I fell a bit in love with the medium. I am terrible at it, or maybe it would be more fair to say that I am at the beginning of my marker based art career. 

It is funny then that I have since invested in two more sets of markers. I got these from Arteza. They are a higher quality marker. I do not see any difference in the way the color hits the page in comparison to my cheap knock off markers, but I do like the tri grip of the Arteza quite a lot. 

I justified the first purchase by picking up a 36 pack of skin tones. I want my art to be ethnically diverse and everyone to feel represented. I was really struggling with darker skin tones from the first set. Forget about any olive complected skin tones. Diversity and inclusion are super important. Also, it makes a damned fine noble excuse to buy more markers as I go overboard in a very unnecessary way. 

Because I like the grip of the Arteza markers I rewarded myself with a small pack of classic tones. I think I already had every color in the knock offs. It cannot be argued as anything but a waste of money, but I love those 12 markers regardless. 

Then I bought a set of Pigma fine line markers. They are an old love for me and I adore them for inking in a sketch. Now that my hands are more practiced with a brush tip marker I find myself thoroughly enjoying the Brush Marker. I could probably justify this purchase as well if I had not just surrendered to the fact that I have gone totally overboard with the drawing pursuits. 

Next came a few more books. I picked up techniques for drawing classic Disney characters (a style I have so much respect for) I would have picked up Don Bluth's Art of Animation but it is out of print and copies are at a premium. Who doesn't want to draw Dirk the Daring and Space Ace? I also picked up a book on Anime and another on Copic techniques. I love my how to draw books. 

I guess I realized I was in trouble when I bought the pack of Copic Markers. It had 5 shades of grey and a fine line pen. I was whispering justifications to myself even as I was placing the order. $40 for 6 markers isn't crazy, right? Right?!

So in all this behavioral modification I am going to have to think through how not to go overboard like this. I still do most of my sketches with a pencil and a piece of paper. More often than not that gets copied on my scanner printer combo and I ink a copy. That gets copied again for me to add color. I have everything I need for drawing for quite some time. At a sketch a day I have about a year and a half worth of paper. I have three great books to work through. I have lots of colors. 

I do tend to get over enthusiastic about things. As I ease back into Archery and the worlds of VR I am going to attempt to show restraint. I will plan out more of what I need and want in the initial purchase and from there I will try to exhaust my resources before adding more. I really have to remember that with the Steam Deck coming next year too.

I am ok. No really. I can do this. 

Someone may just have to take my credit and debit cards away from me.