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Ennui

I think it is time to admit to myself that I have been in a depression for a while now. I am going to put an interesting label on my depression and call it functional depression. That is to say I am going to work. I am keeping house. I am parenting. I am functional. I have even been analyzing myself and claiming that I am not and have not been depressed.  The thing is I have been stuck in a rut. Myself care has been a little lax. I am not keep shaved. I am not dressing as nice as I should for work. I haven't been getting my hair cut. Those things aren't big red flags. I mean I am still bathing and keeping up the general hygiene. I am pretty shaggy at the best of times so externally people cannot look at me and know I am depressed.  The biggest red flag that I have been noticing is having a hard time getting myself motivated to go do things. I have friends who are going through major losses and here I am struggling to get up and get myself into gear. When I started beating mysel
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Losing Myself in Distraction

 It is funny that it has been exactly three months since I stopped writing and blogging. Maybe this post should indicate that was more a break than an actual stop. If you go back and read through my August posts it is clear that I was struggling to maintain a positive, healthy mental state. Looking back I am certain that I made both good and bad moves to try and do something about it. I didn’t realize I was losing my connection to myself.  The big lesson from quarter four of 2023 (and maybe the entire year) for me has been that treating the symptoms of a problem is not the same thing as getting healthy. To belabor that metaphor, you can keep a cough under control with enough Luden’s Wild Cherry and DayQuil, but if you don’t get antibiotics to cure the underlying infection you are going to stay sick. I have spent quite a lot of time and money treating the symptoms of my stress, depression, and unhappiness. The underlying infection was just festering and spreading.  That is what really d
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